10 things to make a lazy person less lazy

Hey everyone loves to laze it up once in a while but there are those people that take it too far and enjoy sitting on their fat arses so much that they never bother to get off of them. But what would encourage them to do so? Hmmmm.... interesting...

1. A bomb strapped to their arse that will go off unless they drop below a certain weight, or waist size. Think the movie: Speed, "There's a bomb on your arse!"
2. Steal the batteries from the TV remote. Then they have to get up
3. A burger strapped to a remote-controlled car, which zooms away whenever they get close
4. Laxative-infused crisps/nachos/fries/chips/soda
5. A job that pays in burgers
6. TVs powered by exercise bikes and nothing else
7. The sale of junk food made illegal to anyone of waist size 36 and over - if they still want it they have to get up and make it themselves
8. Hefty taxes which increase for every inch over 36 on your waistline
9. No more unemployment benefits!
10. TV licences handed out to only those with jobs

See? It's like I've always said - I should be put in charge! I'll have everything fixed within days! Next on the agenda - 10 ways to make stupid people less stupid

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Foul food combinations

The king of fruits my arse! The king of the vile, disgusting, putrid, desperate-attempts-to-call-something-food more like it!

Look at it, even the appearance is unwelcoming, for one, the outside is sharp and hard and when you finally break into it, it's full of a horrid, yellow, slimy substance that strongly resembles something you might cough up when you have a bad chest cold.

So to start off a rant about foul food combinations, anything containing durian tops it off: durian puff, durian cake, durian ice-cream, etc. etc.

Once when I was living in Japan, I stopped off at a supermarket and whilst there bought myself a doughnut. Upon getting it home, I discovered a very unique filling after biting into it, not jam, not custard, not chocolate cream... but instead chicken curry! Now even more surprisingly it wasn't actually that bad but that brings us onto what fillings for doughnuts are just plain wrong and likely to make you revisit it whether you wish to or not:

• Tripe
• Spam
• Liver and onions
• Minced heart
• Pork tongue
• Chicken gizzards
• ...basically a whole range of other disgusting meat products
• Mashed sprouts
• Baked beans
• Broccoli and Cauliflower
• Boiled celery
• ...the list goes on

And then there's ice cream, basically combining savoury with sweet is pretty much always going to be a disaster, imagine ice-cream with these flavours:

• oyster
• smoked haddock
• sardine
• pickled onion
• parsley
• gherkin
• bollognese
• tikka masala
• and so on...

Ok disgusting thoughts over... what would be the most delicious food combinations?

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Dreamworld

Dreamworlds are weird things aren't they? You've got to wonder just what the hell is going on inside your head sometimes. I mean, where on earth do they come from? How do they become so fantastical and weird?... although maybe that's just my dreams... sometimes.

Take for instance a recurring dream I had used to have when I was a kid - I'd be stood in the hallway of the house I grew up in, then suddenly I'd lift up my legs and start swimming the breast stroke throughout the house, and if anyone saw me I'd explain it wasn't flying it was air swimming! And it was so vivid that I would wake up with the assumption that it was actually possible!

Another recurring dream, again from childhood - I'd be in a mountainous, rocky landscape tinged in blue, searching for treasure with Scooby-Doo and Shaggy whilst being pursued by Skeletor! That dream used to scare the crap out of me!

And what is with those falling dreams? - you can be walking along a wall and fall off or along a path and trip and you kick your leg out so violently you wake yourself up!

They dreams are formed from events that happened throughout the day. Ok so maybe that explains Skeletor and Scooby-Doo if I'd been watching them that day - but when during the course of the day did I fall off a wall?

Really dreams are just a bunch of random images thrown together, like ingredients in a bowl. Personally I don't and can't derive any meaning from any dream I've ever had because basically I doubt that whole industry of reading into dreams. Personally I think it sounds like a bit of a sham. If something's been on your mind all day then possibly you're more likely to dream about it, but it seems like a bit of a lazy way to make a living to me - reading into people's dreams - GET A REAL JOB!!

I'd say that dream predictors/readers/con-artists (whatever they want to call themselves) are definitely prime candidates for an all-time laziest jobs list.

10 things I would want in my future

The future... curious thing isn't it? So many possibilities.... If The Terminator films are to be believed then the human race will be nearing extinction with machines systematically out to exterminate us all. Similarly so with The Matrix.

I prefer to think more in terms of Back to the Future however... so I have only five years to go until I can get myself a hover-board and flying car... OH YEAH!!!

Anyway to the point of all this... everyone dreams of things they would like for the future so here goes...

1. Happiness
2. A loving, happy wife (and not just any wife, TC)
3. A happy family
4. My health
5. Financial security
6. A nice home
7. A cat and dog
8. A successful career for myself and a certain special lady...
   
9. A continued good relationship with friends and family
10. Family holidays

And now for the slightly more ludicrous...

1. A flying car
2. A hover-board
3. Limitless wealth
4. Numerous mansions in a variety of different locations - and people to keep them clean
5. A private jet
6. A Bugatti Veyron
7. The Batmobile
8. A lightsaber
9. A fully functional Ironman suit
10. Superpowers

Superpowers... ok thinking about it there's quite a lot to choose from... that could actually form a list in itself - 10 superpowers I would want most

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Reasons to never move to a Zombie Stepford town

What's worse - A town full of insanely efficient and articulate Stepford wives, a town full of blood-thirsty zombies or... a town full of insanely efficient and articulate, blood-thirsty zombie Stepford wives?

1. Is that crazy look in their eye because you've dropped crumbs on the carpet... or because they like the look of your neck?
2. Arm-candy takes on a whole new meaning - literally your arm IS the candy!
   
3. Everyone's always going to be really on edge - they're constantly cleaning as they keep dropping bits of their mouldy zombie corpse everywhere.
4. Everyone will be constantly late for everything - have you any idea how much make-up it would take to make a zombie look half decent?
5. Similarly it's gonna take a lot of body spray to get rid of that stench!
   
6. If you're not a fan of cannibalistic cuisine you may really struggle to find a good meal.
7. The water bills would be astronomical - it takes a whole lot of washing to get those soil stains out from when they crawled out of their graves!
8. I hope you're fluent in zombie, otherwise with all those grunts, snorts and moans you'll never make yourself understood.
9. On the upside adultery would be at an all time low - unless you're a necrophiliac - who'd want to swap one decaying corpse bride for another. On the flip side however, faced with your own decaying corpse bride, your sex drive would inevitably plummet.
10. The terms "nice evening stroll", "graveyard" and "eaten alive" should never be used in the same sentence.

And there you have it. Don't you just love those mash-ups of names? Zombie Stepford wives. Duck-billed platypus. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...

10 advantages of living in a country of unrest or extreme government reign

North Korea, Zimbabwe, Iraq... are they really as bad as all that? There's more advantages to living in such a place than you think - you just have to look REALLY hard for them.

1. You'll always feel really wealthy as the economy is absolutely dire and money is worthless, "Wow, can you believe this? I'm a kajillionaire! Today I alone I earned 386 billion dollars/francs/won/dinar!"
2. You never have to worry about reading disturbing news in the newspaper - it's all censored.
3. If someone really annoys you, just dob him/her into the authorities claiming they made some derogatory comment about the government - they'll be gone before you know it!
4. Struggling to think of somewhere to go for holidays? Problem solved - free travel is banned, just stay where you already are.
5. It's never boring - there's always someone threatening to overthrow the government/bomb the country/commit mass genocide.
6. You'll stay slim without even trying as food is in short demand and charitable donations are withheld by the government.
7. You'll always be in work whether you like it or not - the army and secret police are ALWAYS recruiting.
8. Sure you might think it's nice to look at picturesque mountains and rivers and things... but bomb craters, burnt out buildings and wrecked vehicles littering the streets is where the real beauty is.
9. No one really likes a a freedom of choice of things do they? It's nice to be told what to do, what to think, what not to say, which religion to be a part of...
10. Crime should be dealt with extremely harshly and with no mercy, shouldn't it?
    

• He stole - cut his hands off!
• He crossed the road on a red light - send him to a forced labour camp for the rest of his life!
• He sneezed in the presence of our grand, exalted leader - off with his head!

Of course, if you think any of this actually sounds attractive, you really should go and have your head examined! What is more of an interesting possibility is reasons to live on the moon...

A pre-emptive strike on a pre-emptive strike on Christmas

Ok, now I realise that it has literally just turned August and so Christmas is still well over four months away, but seeing as decorations will probably start popping up next month, I figured I'd get in there first...

Now I don't want this to seem like a bitter, miserly rant from Ebinezer Scrooge because in fact I love Christmas. What I don't love however is the build up. For nearly four straight months we have it rammed down our throats. So that by the end of Christmas Day itself there's a part of you that's glad it's over just so you don't have to face the utterly overwhelming, sugary-coated intensity of it all.

In September the decorations go up in shops and the Christmas tunes start being played (to the point that by December you want to strangle Noddy-bloody-Holder for his incesant holler of "It's Chriiiiisss-Maaaaaassssssssss!!!") shortly afterwards the street decorations go up and you're stalked and plagued by endless, snowmen, reindeer and Father Christmas's.

For me however, Christmas will always be on its way only when you see the advert on the telly with the Coca-Cola Christmas trucks. For me it's a day of catching up with family and sharing gifts. Not very Christian of me... but I've gone for 29 years like that and ain't about to start now. It's a really nice feeling to be surrounded by decorations in a house though. Weirdly the weather also makes it. My whole life Christmas has always been cold, and now living in a hot country, there's just something highly peculiar about seeing snowmen nd snowflakes dangling from the ceiling then walking outside into 90 degree heat and feeling as though you're melting... although I suppose that's what it's also like in Australia and New Zealand.

10 things I would do if I had a million dollars

Now who hasn't imagined this one? If you've played the lottery you've imagined what would happen if you won. Obviously it would be much more use to have a million pounds... but that's being a bit greedy and anyway I digress...

In no particular order...

10 sensible things...

1. Pay off my morgage
2. Share it with family
3. Donate a sum to charity
4. Invest
5. Go on a nice holiday
6. Buy a house for me and my girlfriend
7. Redecorate whenever it was required
8. Buy all new furniture
9. Set aside a substantial amount for old age
10. Treat my friends

And now for the fun stuff...

1. Pay to go into outer space
2. Buy a holiday home wherever I wanted
3. Buy a mansion
4. Get myself a tiger and wolf for pets
5. Set up my own in-house cinema screen
6. Quit my job
7. Build a theme park in my back yard
8. Buy my own private jet
9. Buy a sports car and tank
10. Never wear the same pair of socks twice again

Hmm that was fun kind of makes you think what the 10 things I'd do if I could do anything or have anything I wanted would be.

10 things that bring a smile to may face

Ok breaking from the ranting, complaining and down right negativity (albeit temporarily most likely) here's a list of pure joy and happiness... after 3, all together aaawwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!

1. Spending time with my most gorgeous and amazing girlfriend and getting to smell her hair (it pays to have the height advantage!)
2. Cute and cuddly animals (baby ones, obviously), but also ones that you rarely see, that might not be so cute or cuddly (sharks, for example)... an awesome extra bonus is if you get to hold them (tigers, pandas, koalas...)
3. Watching the stand-up of a truly great comedian - Lee Evans, Billy Connelly, Ricky Gervais, Jack Dee...
4. Family reunions, or catching up with old friends and sharing stories
5. A good book, whether it be gripping, exciting, funny, intense... whatever as long as it's a good read
6. Movies, same as above, but it's like an added bonus and a little more special if it involves some kind of costumed hero (as long as it's done well, i.e. NOT Fantastic Four, Batman & Robin, Superman IV, Captian America... ugh!!)
7. Anything involving Superman
8. A good TV show, gripping plot, great characters, humour...
9. Visiting somewhere I've always wanted to, especially good if you have someone with you... a particular special someone... female... same initials as a famous cartoon cat... name rhymes with shammy fan...
10. Good food... well the smile lasts whilst you're eating it then quickly fades when it's all gone... or you consider the healthiness of it (or lack of)... or you see the bill...
    

Wow I feel in such a good now... in fact this list could also be renamed 10 things I can't live without... excluding food, water, air and warmth obviously...

10 most scary thoughts

... and I'm not just talking about being subjected to the rantings of Scary Spice!

1. Death. It's coming. It's inevitable. Wow what a depressing thought.
2. Getting old. (see above)
3. Losing your sight or hearing - what's worse living in a world of eternal darkness or piercing silence?
4. Living life alone. How meaningless would that be? The whole point of life is to fall in love and share your life with someone.
5. Having nothing to eat for the rest of your life except brussel sprouts. Their gross end of story.
6. Being forced to sit through endless hours of Reality TV for the rest of your life. Hmm... Suddenly No.1 doesn't seem as scary.
7. Being stuck in a crowded lift with a bunch of fat, smelly, sweaty, flatulent people... in which case No.3's not sounding so bad... I'd even throw in my 3 remaining senses!
8. Waking up one morning to find you've turned suddenly obese... gym anyone?
9. James Blunt singing the National Anthem.
10. A world without chocolate.

Hmm... it's funny some of those you might argue belong more on a list of the 10 most disgusting things.

17 ways to identify crazy people

Now we've all seen them, people who should be tethered securely in a straitjacket and residing in a comfortable padded cell, but yet are walking the streets freely. Here's how to pick them out:

1. They derive pleasure from any kind of harm done by or unto themselves.
2. They obsess over someone to the point where it gets really scary
3. Selective hearing; You are without a doubt the most stuck-up, conceited, yet incompetent... Oh thank you, yes my hair is looking especially good today isn't it?
4. They listen to Slipknot or other such shouty rock bands
5. Overreacting when someone jokingly calls them crazy; DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME CRAZY!!! I'M COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY NORMAL! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?!?!
6. Thinking a body covered in tattoos looks hot.
7. Thinking a body covered in piercings looks hot.
8. That worrying wild-eyed demonic look in their eyes.
9. A combination of talking to themselves and slowly rocking back and forth.
10. Walking around in shorts and a T-shirt in the middle of winter.
11. Talking complete and utter jibberish.
12. They claim to like brussel sprouts.
13. Talking about completely ludicrous things; "Has anyone seen my camel?" "Nice weather for this time of year on Mars, isn't it?" and so forth.
14. They are addicted to Reality TV.
15. They have a weird fascination with insects and creepy-crawlies.
16. They ask for the dessert menu at a restaurant and choose a fruit salad - it's totally not the point!
17. They make organised lists but stop at a completely random number.

... Oh wait, scratch that last one. Actually that may also be one of the signs of getting old.

10 things that make me wanna slap someone

1. Arrogance and superiority complexes, especially when a person has got nothing to be arrogant about - are they drop-dead gorgeous? No. Are they a champion of or hold a record in something other than idiocy? No
2. Similarly boasting - do you really think anyone really cares that you've got the newest most expensive phone going? No.
3. Rudeness in any form. There's just no need.
4. Cruelty to animals.
5. Sleaziness. Enough said.
6. Screaming at the gym like someone's having an almighty orgasm. Use a lesser weight you prat!
7. Incompetence. If you clearly can't do what you're assigned/paid to do the for God's sake don't bother trying - let someone else who can do it do it!
8. Slow drivers - especially slow drivers who insist on driving in the middle lane. If you can't keep to the speed of the road then GET OFF THE ROAD BEFORE YOU CAUSE AN ACCIDENT YOU IDIOT!!!!!!
9. Attention seekers. Whether it be those that constantly seek the sympathy vote or are simply loud and obnoxious. Get a life!
10. Reality TV contestants, obviously those on Big Brother are the hands-down winners in annoyingness, but these are closely followed by X-Factor/American Idol contestants. Then of course there's Top Model contestants, dating show contestants... the list is virtually endless. And why could almost all the contestants also feature on a top 10 worst names ever list? Is it stipulation that they have got to have some ludicrous sounding name?

Ranting and Complaining: Body Odour

What is it with some people?

Ok now everyone sweats at some point, that can't be helped it's just the body's natural cooling system. Although some people do sweat an excessive amount, and are completely inconsiderate of those around them whilst doing so. I can't count the times I've been in a club, at a concert or in some other crowded venue where there's some creature from the sweat lagoon that's just crawled onto land and now insists on invading the personal space of as many people as possible, to the point where they're actually leaning up against you and you can feel the sweat leaving their body and seeping through your clothes... gross.

But is that worse than those people who just plain stink and insist on invading your personal space? Hmm... tough choice.

You know the ones I mean, the people that seem to have little or no concept of hygiene. They say you can't smell your own scent. Rubbish. The only way these people couldn't smell their own stink is if they go one better than old Van Gogh and cut off their nose. While they're at it they'd best rip out their tongues too as scent and taste glands work in unison and some people stink so bad it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

I don't understand it. I mean the last time I checked this was the 21st Century and in the last hundred years or so there have been certain inventions made that help combat body odour. Anti-perspirant? Deodorant? Collogne? Perfume? After-shave?... Soap?

It's one of those revolting things when someone gets on a train and stands beside you and their stench is so revolting that it could make flowers wilt, that is equal to farting in a crowded place - that stinks, they stink what's the difference? It's acceptable to ask people not to smoke around you, so why is it frowned upon to ask them to take a shower? When someone smells so bad that it makes you want to vomit, surely that's the time for them to address their problem.

More Stupid and Useless Inventions

The Incy-Wincy Spider Liberator

Patent Number: GB2272154 Dated: 1994

A ladder to be installed in the bath so that when spiders fall in they can climb their way to freedom.

A genuine invention. Not quite done their research though have they; spiders tend to crawl up the plughole, not fall over the edge. Still I suppose that is simply being overly fastidious.

Who in their right mind would buy this? Just how obsessed by animal rights and cruelty to animals in any form, do you have to be to consider spending good money on something so clearly pointless and pathetic? It's not like spiders have such a coherent thought pattern - "Oh damn it! That's the 4th time this week I've crawled up a plughole into a bath and then forgotten how I got in! Wait a minute... that looks like... Yes it is! Oh praise the Lord! Some kind-hearted soul has installed an Incy-Wincy Spider Liberator! My troubles are over!"

Come to think of it, who's life is just so utterly empty and boring that they considered the need for inventing such a thing. Can you imagine someone ambling round the house looking for something to do (maybe they were sat on the loo) when suddenly they notice a poor defenceless spider struggling to climb the sides of a bath. In a flash all their troubles are over - they have found their calling. Their life now has a purpose! And more importantly the spider now has a way out of the bath... it just has to wait a while, whilst said person designs, makes and trials his/her invention.

But of course, as is the case with the human condition, as with any idea, be it good or bad, the results are always the same; people jostle tirelessly to stick their oar in, to make their voices heard, to have their 15 minutes of fame... resulting in a severly cramped bandwagon. Hence some of the most pointless and stupid (and all 100% genuine) inventions ever:

• Horse diaper
• Anti-eating mouth cage
• Bird powered blimp
• Motorized picnic table
• Motorized ice-cream cone
• 12 gauge golf club
• Jet propulsion golf club
• Head napkin
• Geek gear
• Extreme comb-over
• Saggy bottoms
• Propellor leg
• Toilet snorkel

And my own personal favourite the Imaginary Friend.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Pigeon Post

Ok, I know the original idea of this post was pigeon post, but let's just expand that to anything revolving around pigeons. Firstly pigeon post. Why choose pigeons to deliver mail? There's much better options in terms of birds out there. If a pigeon was to land on your windowsill brandishing a letter, is it just me or would you be a little apprehensive at actually leaning over and having to touch the foul little blighter? They got the nickname "rats with wings" for a reason you know, (says a lot doesn't it considering as a kid in Trafalgar Square, [before they were mostly killed/scared off by trained hawks] I had pigeons perched on my hands, arms, shoulders and even head!) If your faith in the post office is that shaky why not just deliver the letter yourself? Or email the person? Or at least use a better bird! Take Harry Potter for instance - they use owls, of course that brings about another inherent risk when detaching the letter; sharp talons and beak - not very reassuring, but at least they're not as synonymous with disease. It makes you wonder whether for all those years Dick Dastardly and Muttley were actually trying to intercept the mail, or simply cull it when they were commanded to Catch that Pigeon!

Next up racing pigeons. God what an exciting lives those people must lead. NOT! Sadly it's synonymous with my neck of the woods and I even know of a guy who's into it as well. Where is the attraction in keeping smelly disease-riddled pigeons in your backyard (or worse - your loft!) where they proceed to crap everywhere and shed their feathers, leaving your yard or loft looking as though someone had positioned an aviary next to a sewage plant and then bombed the both of them? Why not just invest in a parrot and teach it to talk? At least that's entertaining!

Anyway who am I to comment? As the saying goes to 'each their own' afterall, there are yet still more pointless activities in this world, Snail Racing, for example.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Dirty Public Restrooms

What is it about public restrooms that make them such foul places? Obviously I can't speak for women but men's are gross all the time. And there seems to be this everlasating stench of urine. What makes me laugh is when they have an inspection card on show. What does that actually mean? What purpose does that have? Yes, it stinks in here but at least it's been checked and inspected so now the people who work here know that. Nothing is going to be done about it, but at least they know. I swear I was just at a shopping mall tonight and the stench from the toilet was so bad it had leached out to infect the entire area surrounding the toilets. Waiting for the lift to arrive was not a happy time.

What is it about public restrooms that make people lose all sense of common decency or rational thinking? Or are they simply seen as an opportunity to do things that you wouldn't normally?

• You know I always pee in the toilet, I wonder what it feels like to pee on the floor - well now's my chance! I may even pee up the walls for good measure too!
• Every time at home I always flush the toilet after taking a dump in it... well not this time! Oh yeah, good times!
• I never dare to write random messages and telephone numbers on the wall of my bathroom... but this isn't my bathroom, is it?
• What would be really funny is if I had an opportunity to litter a toilet floor with cigarette butts and oodles of toilet paper... well here I am with a ripe opportunity to do so!

Some places know that their loos are going to end up a mess so don't even bother even trying to make it look nice to begin with. I've been in loos in Thailand where it is simply a hole smashed into the concrete. Other western style ones (still in Thailand) where the flushing action is carried out manually by use of a barrel of water and a pan.

Another thing; handriers. How useless are they? Has anyone ever managed to actually dry their hands using them? How is cold air supposed to dry things? And more often than not they blow air out with the same force as a grasshopper's fart. You stand their hands soaking and getting colder because of the cold air flow, a queue forms and then out of common curtesy you move aside so someone else can have a go. So you walk out with hands as wet as they were when you first took them from under the tap.

Actually I find that most public things are quite rubbish. Just look at public telephones.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Disgusting sounding food names

You know you really do have to wonder at the reasoning behind names sometimes. Let's take foods as an example, some really need a better PR agent. Make no bones about it there are some foods that are gross, look gross and even their name doesn't do them any favours.

Can you imagine going into a restaurant, looking at the menu and thinking, "Hmm... well the lasagna looks good, as does the steak and the ribs... but there's just no beating a good plateful of tripe!" It almost sounds like you're ordering a plateful of shite!

The same can be said of haggis - "Ooh, yum! One sheep's stomach please, and if you could fill it with a whole load of foul tasting minced up garbage too that would be great!" And as for Spam... the mere sound of that sounds processed to within an inch of it's life, then going that last inch just for the fun of it. I mean is it ham? Which bit of the pig does the 'sp' bit come from? The spleen?

Another one - Sloppy Joe's. I don't even know what that is but am farely confident I never want to find out.

Of course the hands-down winner of the Worst Food Names Ever Award must surely go to gruel. I know this dish existed more in the 19th Century workhouses, but come on - surely they could have come up with a more tantalising name for a bowl of unrecognisable, grey slop with about the same nutritional value as wadded paper. Workhouse Surprise maybe? Worker's Delight? Or just something like 'loveliness'? Who wouldn't look forward to that at the end of endless hours in the factory - A bowl of lovliness?

I rest my case.

Of course there are certain foods that sound gross from the ingredients but the name disguises this fact. If you were to see fried pig's blood on a menu, would you order it? No. But you see Black Pudding then it's a different story, it almost sounds like you're having a dessert and so you're fooled into thinking, "Wow this tastes really nice!"

Thinking of holidaying on a remote island? Think again.

Sun, sea, sand, serenity... Yeah life on a remote island, sure sounds sweet, right?

Well yes it is... just as long as you manage to avoid the polar bears, the hostile gun-toting locals that have mysteriously always been there and of course the lethal black smoke monster. Another thing you might want to consider is the strange electro-magnetic power of the island, and take great care that it doesn't suck you into an ever changing time warp, before depositing you 30 years in the past.

Never fear, you can always leave the island whenever you want though right? Well, it's not as easy as it sounds as the electro magnetism can play havoc with your navigation instruments.

But don't worry, whilst you're on said remote island, you won't be short of places to visit and explore, be it the various monitoring stations scattered across numerous different parts of the island (and even one underwater installation!), a crashed drug smugglers biplane, a secret submarine moored at the secret docks, a hundreds of years old galleon marooned inland and the inside of a three-toed gigantic foot of a statue, the remains of which you can try to decide what happened to yourself.

There are numerous accomodation possibilites for your choosing throughout the island, be it camping on the beach or further inland at a set of caves, or for the more luxurious stay, at a long-abandoned village, with all the modern conveniences that one would expect.

As an additional bonus, if you become tired of exploring all that this island has to offer, there is even a second island that you can venture to examine the prisoner cages and surgery.

Yes life on a remote island is nothing if it isn't exciting. For further details please refer to the TV show Lost.

Or if that sounds too strenuous for you, you may prefer Desperate Housewives.

Idiots selling to bigger idiots and convincing even bigger idiots

You know the human race is supposed to be getting smarter, but sometimes I really do have my doubts.

Who was it that thought that selling fake online degrees was a good idea?

More importantly what kind of idiot thinks it's a good idea to buy them?

And even more importantly what kind of idiot is gullible enough to fall for them?
It's like a fast track way of sampling different careers in the most lazy-arse way possible. Imagine waking up in the morning and thinking to yourself, "You know what, I always fancied being a surgeon." One download later and apparently you are.

Are medical professionals really that stupid to fall for it? "I don't understand it - that's the twelth person this week that he's killed during surgery, and he's had all the easy surgeries: in-growing toenail, inflamed appendix... but so far he's amputated three heads, sliced open six lungs and carried out four lobotomies... it can't be his degree - The Univershitty of Never Never Land, yup that's all in order..."

Never fear next week why not try your hand at rocket science. Maybe NASA will hire you to direct the first mission to Mars, "Ok, left a bit, right a bit, ok perfect... right full speed ahead and - ooh that looked a bit nasty didn't it? Never mind, send up another shuttle I'm sure I'll direct them right next time."

Maybe a lawyer?

A teacher?

A politician?

An architect?

The world apparently is your oyster.

You have to wonder how many people have been fooled by these sham degrees so far. My guess would be approximately 265 million. George W. Bush - need I say more?

How else could someone with fewer brain cells than an apple core become leader of the most powerful country in the world? The guy can't even form a coherent sentence for crying out loud! Here are some of his real dynamite lines:

• They misunderestimated me
• Our enemies and innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking of new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
• I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully
• I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family
• There's an old saying in Texas - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again
• I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right
• Then you wake up at the high school and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling
• I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things
• I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me
• If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just as long as I'm the dictator

See? My case rests.

Right, I'm off to pilot a rocket to the Andromeda Star Constellation, whilst doing open heart surgery and delivering the prosecution for a murder trial.

Greenhouse Effect - Rubbish

"Our planet is five billion years old, and has been changing constantly all during that time. The Earth is now on its third atmosphere... Our atmosphere is as violent as the land beneath it. At any moment there are one thousand five hundred electrical storms across the planet. Eleven lightning bolts strike the earth each second. A tornado tears across the surface every six hours. And every four days a giant cyclonic storm, hundreds of miles in diameter, spins over the ocean and wreaks havoc on the land.

The nasty little apes that call themselves human beings can do nothing except run and hide. For these same apes to imagine they can stabilize this atmosphere is arrogant."

- Michael Crichton, State of Fear 2005

There is little evidence to suggest man is responsible for global warming, moreover it is more likely to be caused by solar activity such as eruptions on the sun's surface. After World War II despite a huge increase in the numbers of cars on roads and therefore an huge increase in carbon dioxide emissions, global temperatures decreased for four decades!

What annoys me is these narrow minded idiots that believe that the Earth should maintain a constant temperature. Clearly these are the same people that never paid attention in science class because they were too busy complaining that they didn't see why they had to study science in the first place - they were destined to be models, actresses or rock stars.

The earth is always changing, in the time of the dinosaurs, all continents were joined together. Dinosaurs were killed off when a meteor crashed and blocked out the sun. It used to be a lot hotter then too. Then came the ice age. What ended that? Too many cavemen making fires to keep warm? There was also a mini ice age again in the 1600s, did man cause that one too?

What I find highly amusing is that all these enviro-loonies are running round saying that humans need to save Mother Nature, when really it is her that decides our fate. If it wanted to Nature could obliterate us just as easily as it did the dinosaurs. Sure humans could have a good go by launching their nukes at one another and sure it might kill us all of and render the planet inhospitable - to us. But the environment was completely changed when the meteor crashed 65 million years ago and lo and behold life carried on. If that meteor hadn't crashed then it would be unlikely that conditions would ever have been right for mammals to thrive.

Sure we can make sure we keep the planet looking nice by not littering everywhere and recycling, just like you want to keep your home clean and tidy while you live in it. But the idea of people being able to literally destroy the planet is as ludicrous as a man tearing down the house he lives in with nothing more than his bare hands.

Seriously these enviro-nutcases must have been watching too many episodes of Captain Planet or something.

Stereotypes

They're a funny thing aren't they, sterotypes. Looking at someone or something and immediately jumping to a conclusion about them or it. What is it about us that makes us do it? Take the picture for example - where would you say this guy is from? France, right? Why? Do all people in France go around wearing berets, stripy shirts, neck scarves, bushy mustaches and drinking wine? Notice I didn't add smelling of onions. Answer: no.

Do all Germans wear lederhosens, a feather in their cap and tankard of beer in hand? Again, no.

The Irish - do they all have ginger hair, dress in green, sport shamrocks and drink guiness? Unlikely.

Are all Americans loud, obnoxious, burger-eating fatties? Well...
Another one if you see a caucasian female sporting armpit hair, where is she from? France right? If she is Asian where is she from? China. How do we know this? Or at least what makes us think we do?

Here's another, are all blondes dumb? Doubtful, otherwise that would lower the IQ of the whole of Sweden. Or would it? Is everyone in Sweden blonde? I wouldn't bet on it.

It's also curious as to how our perception of things change depending on where we see them. Superhero comics and movies are one of the most popular forms of media out there. We look at the likes of Batman, Superman and Spider-man and think, "Wow, cool! I wish that was me!" Really though, do you? If you actually saw someone running around in the batsuit, what would you think? "Well there's a guy with no girlfriend," most probably.

Animals aren't safe from sterotypes either, all you have to do is mention some animal types and your mind conjures up some type of personality for it.

Sharks - mindless killers

Dolphins - playful and friendly

Owls - brainy

Elephants - good listeners, brilliant memory

Cats - uppity

Hippos - fat and lazy

It's the same with objects too. Taking cars for instance, Ladas and Skodas, the jokes about them are endless.

Why does a Lada/Skoda have a heated rear windscreen? To keep the driver's hands warm whilst pushing it.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda driver with a speeding ticket? A dreamer.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda with a sun roof? A skip.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

How do you overtake a Lada/Skoda? Run.

How do you make a policeman laugh? Tell him your Lada/Skoda just got nicked.

And what about historical figures? What does the name Bonnie Prince Charlie suggest?

Eat a cow; Save the world

Flatulence is one of the grossest traits known to man. How many times have you been on a crowded train, or in a lift and some one drops an ass belch? Of course there are varying types of trouser tornadoes and a scale merging the two main extremes, i.e. the comical rip-roarer which embarrasses the deliverer no end, usually resulting in them vacating the premises at the earliest convenience. And then there is the dreaded Silent-but-Deadly, whereby the culprit can drop their chemical weapon and then pretend it was someone else, all-the-while everyone around them is slowly suffocating on the noxious fumes.

However flatulence is not exclusive to humans. If you have a pet then the likelhood is that at somepoint they've dropped one in your presence, and good God do they stink! Which brings me onto other animals, particularly one of the most common groups of animals on the planet thanks to farming: livestock. The bowel movements of livestock is so foul that not only is it hazardous to those stood downwind of them, but it is actually harmful to the planet itself.

It has been proven that the polution cause in building a Toyota Prius is actually more than the emissions any other car makes in its lifespan, yet the Greenies and Vegetarians of the world still keep telling people to buy them. Well in the case of livestock, the Vegetarians are actually causing yet more damage to the planet.

Livestock is responsible for 18% of the greenhouse gases that cause Global Warming, more than cars, planes and all other forms of transport combined. Not only that they are also releasing more than 100 other types of noxious gases, including two-thirds of the world's ammonia emissions which causes acid rain. Add to this that cows soak up a staggering 990 litres of water to produce just one measly litre of milk.

So the next time one of these preaching veggies strolls over to you in their recycled clothes and hemp shoes, condemning you for eating meat you reply, "I eat because I care."

Hmm... didn't Plato or somebody say something similar?

Weetabix - concrete of the cereal world?

The healthy way to start the day, right?

Who doesn't like cereal - it's quick and easy and tastes good at any point in the day, weirdly even better at night...

The one thing that puzzles me though is why is it so damn hard to clean out of a bowl?

In the morning you get up, shower, eat breakfast and rush out to work. The last thing you want to do is set to and clean your dishes so you leave them in the sink to wash later when you get in. And that's where the problems begin. If you think ahead you fill the bowl with waterto ease cleaning later on. If not you could be in for the fight of your life.

What happens to cereal during those hours alone that turns it from a delicious and healthy morning meal into concrete? Seriously. Sod quarry mining to produce cement dust, all builders need to do is grab a couple of boxes of cereal and a few pints of milk.

And which are the prime offenders in the concrete on the bowl market?

Well obviously Weetabix rates fairly highly up there. That stuff actually begins to turn whilst your eating it.

Porridge is another. It's sticky to begin with and it too begins to turn whilst you eat it.

Some of the more unlikely candidates though lull you into a false sense of security. Corn flakes, bran flakes and other flakey based cereals, go all soft and gooey whilst your eating it so that you dump it in the sink without a second thought. Big mistake. Hours later the flakes have welded themselves to the bowl and aren't about to give up their position without a lengthy fight. The scourer fails so you think, "I'll scratch it off with my fingernail!" And that's just what it wants you to do. Because of their thin flake shape it's like jamming a wooden splinter under your nail.

Of course there are much more offensive foods out there - brussel sprouts for example.

Coulrophobia

Coulrophobia: the fear of clowns

There's nothing funny about them. I remember going to the circus as a kid and it was all good until the clowns came on stage. Then the audience would be subjected to several minutes of dull boredom, with a bunch of badly dressed men in make-up trying to be funny and failing miserably. Actually the bit where they brought the horses out and paraded them round was pretty dull too, but that's besides the point.

Ok so clowns might seem like a bit of a weird thing to have a phobia of, but really what's the real difference between them and masked gunmen? They both hide their faces, right? Clearly this fear has been cultivated by the likes of Stephen King with his It and Bob Kane with the infamous Joker. But they must have seen the freaky, scary potential of them to begin with right? I rest my case.

But the weird phobias don't end there, below is a list of some of the more ridiculous ones:

Ablutophobia - fear of washing or bathing... so a smelly person's phobia then.

Allodoxaphobia - fear of opinions... otherwise known as an inability to listen to anyone else

Anglophobia/Bolshephobia/Dutchphobia/Francophobia/Germanophobia/ Japanophobia/Russophobia/Sinophobia/Xenoglossophobia/Xenophobia - fear of England, English culture/Bolsheviks/Dutch/France, French culture/Germany, German culture/ Japan, Japanese culture/Russians/Chinese, Chinese culture/foreign languages/foreigners... basically excuses for racists

Arachibutyrophobia - fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth... well it IS utterly terrifying that is

Caligynephobia - fear of beautiful women... suffered by dorks, geeks and nerds the world over

Chromophobia/Ereuthophobia/Leukophobia/Porphyrophobia/Xanthophobia - fear of colours/red/white/purple/yellow... suffered by druggies everywhere whilst high

Gamophobia/Pentheraphobia - fear of marriage/mother-in-law... suffered by men the world over

Hedonophobia - fear of feeling pleasure... the fear suffered by Goths everywhere

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - the fear of long words... and like abbrieviation; ironic

Dextrophobia/Levophobia - fear of things on the right/left side of the body... so sit on your own then!

Barophobia - fear of gravity... screwed

Basophobia - fear of walking... not a fear; bone-bloody-idleness!

Lachanophobia - fear of vegetables... suffered by kids the world over

Mastigophobia/Ouranophobia - fear of punishment/heaven... simple solution then; don't commit crimes!

And after all that extensive research, one fear I didn't find was the fear of knights.

What's the Point?

There's certain things in this world that have been created that there is literally no point to. Let's start with Kaliber beer and other non alcoholic beers. Why? What is the point? Who drinks beer simply for the taste of it? Answer: nobody. People drink beer BECAUSE it has alcohol in it. How often do you hear people say, "Man, what a tough week, I need a drink - pass me a glass of milk"? NEVER!! The same principle aplies to Kaliber, "Man, what a tough week, I need a drink - pass me a beer - but make sure it's non-alcoholic!"

Next we have vegetarian sausages and burgers. Why? The whole point of sausages and burgers is that they are made of delicious overly processed meat. Here's an idea: if you don't like/can't eat meat for some reason, don't go into Macdonald's with the desire to order anything other than fries! If a vegetarian has a desire to eat sausages and burgers then they're just kidding themselves - they don't really want to be vegetarians! The same applies to vegetarian-friendly beef flavoured crisps - a genuine product!

Next up - pizzas (you can see a lot of these rants are food and drink based). What are the two main ingredients on any pizza? Answer: cheese and tomato. They're like Italian staple ingredients - how many Italian dishes don't contain at least one or both of these? If you're lactose intolerant or allergic to tomato, why on earth would you look at pizza and think, "Ooh yum, that looks great!"?

I have a similar issue with de-caffeinated coffee. Who actually enjoys the tatse of coffee? No one. If they say they do, they're lying. It's gross. People have that first cup of coffee in the morning, and subsequent ones throughout the day as a pick-me-up, to get that extra caffeine boost.

Seriously, what's next?

Ice cream that isn't cold?

Fruit cake without fruit?

A car without an engine? Or wheels?

A plane that doesn't fly?

A zoo without animals?

A clock that doesn't tell time?

A TV with no picture? Ok that is pretty much a radio.

A mosquito that doesn't bite? Actually that one would be good.

There are certain things though, that whilst seemingly a little ludricous actually make a lot of sense, i.e. bungy jumping, parachuting, etc. The concept of flinging oneself from a great height may seem tantamount to insanity but is actually exhilarating.

The same can also be said of cage diving with Great White sharks.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Lollipopmen

Ever noticed how there's few (if any) young lollipopmen or women? Well ok, yes it's probably just like a part-time kind of thing for retirees to do, but it's a fairly crappy job all the same. Especially as kids get more and more vile and rude. It's definitely not a job that one aspires to, or if it is then one really needs to reassess one's life.

Now I'm not saying it's a pointless job in its entirety, afterall kids need to cross the road to get home. What I do think is a little pointless though is positioning a lollipop person at a pedestrian crossing. If the driver isn't going to stop at a zebra crossing as people cross or at a red light, do you really think someone dressed like a flourescent banana is going to stop them?

It does bring about an interesting question though; crappy thankless jobs and the people jobs and the people who fil the positions. Dustbinmen and street cleaners come immediately to mind, but it doesn't end there. There are some jobs that require intelligence and qualifications but are still baffling as to why anybody would want to take it up: undertakers, chiropodists, dentists, mortician, tax inspectors (traditionally one of the most unpopular jobs ever!), and pest control to name but a few. Personally I can see no attractive or rewarding attributes to these careers at all.

Of course of all the crappy jobs out there, of all of the most loathed of workers, of all of the most thankless of tasks... traffic wardens must rate as an undisputed number 1.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Golf

Ok before I start with this rant, a disclaimer, to all golf fans out there - GET A LIFE!... or at least play a REAL sport, not some daft game pretending to be one. What's next chess?!!?

Fotunately it's not just me that thinks golf is about as exciting as watching the grass grow, which you can do as play if that's what floats your boat. It was that famous American Mark Twain (famous for what I'm not quite sure, didn't he write about Huckleberry Finn or something?) that described golf as, and I quote, "a good walk spoiled". Spot on.

Now it's just not that golf is less exciting than watching paint dry, or your skin age, it's also that some of the terminology it uses is utterly ridiculous too. Let me give you some examples:

Albatross - three strokes under par for a given hole.

What does that have to do with the bird with the largest wingspan?

Birdie - One under par for a hole.

Again, why a bird reference?

Bogey - One over par for a hole.

Well, need I say anymore about this one?

Eagle - two under par for a hole.

Apparently a double Eagle is also an Albatross. Funny, and I always thought double 2 was 4.

Oh don't get me wrong the idiotic names don't end there, it's just I'm getting bored. Here's a few more choice terms (all genuine):

Banana Ball

Chili Dip

Dogleg

Duck Hook

Frog Hair

Gorilla

Greenie

Shag Bag

Shagging

Woodie

Worm Burner

So basically not only is golf exponentially boring, but it was also invented by perverts and/or idiots. And played by them... cough cough TIGER WOODS... cough cough.

God, even ranting about golf is beginning to bore me now. So let me leave it at this anyone who enjoys watching or playing golf clearly hasn't explored all of their entertainment options... or needs to book themself in for a CAT scan. There's so many more interesting things in this world - the Gummy Bears for instance.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Pot-Bellied Pigs and other silly animal names

Has anyone ever wondered about the names of some animals and how they're just a little bit daft?

No I don't mean all animal names - some make sense, the white tiger for instance, it's a tiger and it's white, the African elephant, it's an elephant and it's from Africa, and so on and so forth. But some names are just dumb. The spider monkey? Yes it's a monkey, but how on earth does it resemble a spider? Does it have 8 legs? No. Does it shoot webbing out it's butt? No. Do the females eat the males? Well, probably not either. See my point?

Some names just don't make sense.

Others are just a little bit pointless.

The duck-billed platypus. Yes ok it's a platypus and yes it has a bill like a duck, but who has ever seen a platypus without the bill of a duck? They don't exist, so why not just call it a platypus and be done with it?

Which brings me onto the pot-bellied pig. Why pot-bellied? In what way does it's belly resemble a pot? To me it looks like the belly of all other pigs. The only difference I see is that it's a damn sight uglier than other pigs, so why not just call it the ugly pig?
Another example: below are two sharks, one is a leopard shark, the other a zebra shark. Which is which?

The one on the right is the leopard shark right? Wrong. That would make much too much sense. What loony looked at this spotty, predatory fish and thought "You know, that reminds me exactly of a herbivourous, stripy, horse-like zebra"?

Of course in terms of sheer ridiculousness of names, Australian animals win hands down; kangaroo, kookaburra, wallaby, cassowary, dingo... but let's not get into that here.

My point is naming animals after something that they clearly look nothing like. Here's a few more examples (all genuine):

Antelope squirrel

Ant cow

Bullfrog

Catfish / Dogfish / Parrotfish / Rabbitfish / Squirrelfish

Horsefly

Hedgehog

Meercat

Mongoose

...and the list continues - see daft right?

Of course this idea of giving ridiculous names to things isn't just limited to animals, it's prevalent in loads of other different things, sports for example. Just look at cricket!

An epiphany

'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'

Never has anything rang so true.

As much as you think you love and appreciate someone, being away from them truly makes you realise just how important they are to you, just how much you need them, just how much you just want to be with them. Being apart from them feels like you're missing an arm, or rather a leg... and it sucks.

Lesson learned.

Never again.

Travel Observations

As with all other walks of life, you meet many different types of people whilst travelling, some annoying as hell, others the salt of the earth. Of course too much salt is bad for your health.

The Travel Snob

The one's that are travelling for months at a time and look down their nose with an air of superiority at anyone who isn't doing the same. Two weeks? "Oh well I'm travelling for a year." Oh well I prefer actually being able to afford to do things I like on holiday other than hanging out at some shitty hostel, doing the most menial jobs imaginable to make ends meet.

The Escapees

There's something they're escaping from and generally a few drinks and it all comes spilling out. And generally you are subjected to hearing it whether you want to or not.

The Loudmouth Scumbag

This is Asia you moron. If all you want to do is get pissed, laid and hungover try Benidorm. It's closer to home.

The Know-it-all

Similar to the travl snob but somehow these guys know the ins and outs of absolutely every topic of conversation ever, as well the world's problems and solutions, details of every country on earth... the list continues. Most of the time however, its clear they simply make it up.

The Drop-out

They were a drop-out in their own country milking the economy dry, and now they're a drop-out in someone else's country doing exactly the same thing.

The Weirdo

Generally found on their own isolated from everyone else. The reason usually being that they have absolutely no personality whatsoever.

The Nationalist

Really, if your own country is as good as you are constantly making it out to be, why did you ever leave it?

The Oldies

Why on earth is there always a random old person in hostels. It's just creepy. Don't they have anyplace better to be? And why do old couples come to hostels? Maybe they've got to the point in their relationship where they just have nothing else left to say to each other. Sad really.

The Nice Ones

Sometimes a rare find but they do exist. People who have no hidden agendas. They're just there on holiday. They just want to explore a new country and then return to living a normal life. They don't fight to stretch it out as long as possible. They don't fear the idea of settling down. They don't resent people who are travelling longer than they are and pity the ones who aren't travelling for as long. What they are is just nice genuine people. They are out there. Honest.

Stupid and useless inventions

Ever think of what could be the stupidest invention ever? Probably not. Just random thoughts really. What could be the most pointless and stupid thing to ever invent though? A braille driver's manual? An ipod for the deaf? Running shoes for the disabled?

This silly kind of pointlessness isn't actually limited to us simple humans though. There's a good deal of pointlessness in the animal kingdom too. Pandas for instance. Here's an animal that has evolved to fail miserably. An animal that kind that is incapable of helping itself even though its survival depends on it. Its so damn lazy that it has evolved to rely on humans saving them through artificial insemination, just because it's cute. And why is it so damn lazy? Because of its diet. The only thing they eat is bamboo which has about as much energy and nutrition as a stack of printing paper. Don't get me wrong, I love pandas, but really... how on earth has this animal lasted this long?

It's a curious thing isn't it evolution. How animals evolve the traits and abilities they do... just consider the duck-billed platypus...

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Shoehorns

The incompetence and overall laziness and stupidity of people never fails to amaze me.

People have been wearing shoes ever since cavemen got fed up of stepping on thorns and the like and decided to do something about it. In other words this is something people have been doing for thousands of years. Skip forward to more modern times and suddenly this incredibly complex skill of putting on your shoes suddenly becomes so complex that some people need help in doing it.

So someone invents the shoehorn.

Here's a better idea; untie the laces. Who are these people that believe the oinly way to put shoes on is with a shoehorn? What using your hands is beneath you? My guess is that these are the same people that choose to ride about in one of those motorised walkers, not because of the fact that they can't use their legs, instead because of the fact that they're too bone-bloody-idle to do so. Why not just connect yourself to an iron-lung and be done with it?

In my book the shoehorn is about as useful as the rabbit phone.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Slugs - What's the point?

Slugs. Is there really any point to them whatsoever? That might sound a little harsh but basically they're nothing but a pest that leave that slimy gloppy shit everywhere.

The damned things don't even own their own homes! At least snails can say that they do. So slugs are forced to mooch off of others.

Case-in-point: years ago after I finished university I went back to live with my parents for a while. They had just moved house and had big remodelling plans. Unfortunately before the plans were carried out we had to live in the house in the state it was. I had one of the biggest rooms which wasn't so bad, but unfortunately it was an added-on extension and not a very good one; it was cold and damp, which meant it was perfect for the slimy little buggers that are the focus of this here rant. It's indescribably gross to walk into your room or to wake up in the morning and find slug trails glistening on the carpet. To make matters worse I couldn't figure out how the rotten little blighters were getting in, which probably meant they were already in and just came out to hold the slug Grand Prix at night.

Some other invertebrates are friends of gardeners right? Because they eat some of the other gross bugs? Not slugs, they're vegetarians aren't they?

Back at uni a couple of years later for a different course I was once again living in a cold, dank, damp house (yeah, I know what you're thinking - choose your accomodation more wisely, well as a matter of fact the place looked pretty nice in summer... and well I'd left it so late I wasn't really left with much other choice... but I digress). Once again I was forced to live with a bunch of slimy unwelcome housemates (and I'm not just talking about some of the human residents that lived there for a time). Getting up before the sun at stupid o'clock in the morning is bad enough, it's worse when the heatings crap and you have to make a mad dash to the shower to throw some warmth on yourself, the worseness multiples further when, on said mad dash, you have to dance and pirouette through a maze of slug trails to get to the shower. The fun didn't end there. There were times when washing the dishes at the sink a slug would ooze out of the overflow pipe! And yes, I did say times - plural! And every bloody time it was one of those huge ones. You know the type - the ones that look like living globs of turd.

Is there anyone whatsoever that actually has a fondness or affinity for slugs? If so then said person needs to have his head examined. I don't care what type of slug it is; the tiny but fat grey ones you find under rocks, the long thin anorexic-looking ones or the huge obese turd-like ones, they're all gross. And it begs the question; what's the point?

The same might be asked of the Reliant Robin Three-Wheel Car.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Baked Beans

What is a baked bean? Can anyone actually name the plant they come from?

Of course because of the 'bean' part of the name I'm assuming they are grown and not manufactured in some factory or science lab somewhere . Although I don't even know this for sure. As you may of guessed I have done no research whatsoever for this rant.

It is recommended that you eat 5 portions of fruit and vegetables per day. Did you know that baked beans can be considered as one portion? (provided you eat enough of course, I don't think one single, solitary bean will somehow do it)

Another thing; beans are vegetables right? So why does the song go 'beans, beans the musical FRUIT'? Ok, I understand how tomatoes could be considered a fruit... well I don't actually. I don't know what it is that defines a fruit and a vegetable (as I said - no research). But beans are definitely vegetables aren't they?

Oh how confused and disillusioned I have become. My whole world has been turned upside down. How ever will I sleep tonight?

Probably by thinking back over this rather random and pointless rant.