More Stupid and Useless Inventions

The Incy-Wincy Spider Liberator

Patent Number: GB2272154 Dated: 1994

A ladder to be installed in the bath so that when spiders fall in they can climb their way to freedom.

A genuine invention. Not quite done their research though have they; spiders tend to crawl up the plughole, not fall over the edge. Still I suppose that is simply being overly fastidious.

Who in their right mind would buy this? Just how obsessed by animal rights and cruelty to animals in any form, do you have to be to consider spending good money on something so clearly pointless and pathetic? It's not like spiders have such a coherent thought pattern - "Oh damn it! That's the 4th time this week I've crawled up a plughole into a bath and then forgotten how I got in! Wait a minute... that looks like... Yes it is! Oh praise the Lord! Some kind-hearted soul has installed an Incy-Wincy Spider Liberator! My troubles are over!"

Come to think of it, who's life is just so utterly empty and boring that they considered the need for inventing such a thing. Can you imagine someone ambling round the house looking for something to do (maybe they were sat on the loo) when suddenly they notice a poor defenceless spider struggling to climb the sides of a bath. In a flash all their troubles are over - they have found their calling. Their life now has a purpose! And more importantly the spider now has a way out of the bath... it just has to wait a while, whilst said person designs, makes and trials his/her invention.

But of course, as is the case with the human condition, as with any idea, be it good or bad, the results are always the same; people jostle tirelessly to stick their oar in, to make their voices heard, to have their 15 minutes of fame... resulting in a severly cramped bandwagon. Hence some of the most pointless and stupid (and all 100% genuine) inventions ever:

• Horse diaper
• Anti-eating mouth cage
• Bird powered blimp
• Motorized picnic table
• Motorized ice-cream cone
• 12 gauge golf club
• Jet propulsion golf club
• Head napkin
• Geek gear
• Extreme comb-over
• Saggy bottoms
• Propellor leg
• Toilet snorkel

And my own personal favourite the Imaginary Friend.