A pre-emptive strike on a pre-emptive strike on Christmas

Ok, now I realise that it has literally just turned August and so Christmas is still well over four months away, but seeing as decorations will probably start popping up next month, I figured I'd get in there first...

Now I don't want this to seem like a bitter, miserly rant from Ebinezer Scrooge because in fact I love Christmas. What I don't love however is the build up. For nearly four straight months we have it rammed down our throats. So that by the end of Christmas Day itself there's a part of you that's glad it's over just so you don't have to face the utterly overwhelming, sugary-coated intensity of it all.

In September the decorations go up in shops and the Christmas tunes start being played (to the point that by December you want to strangle Noddy-bloody-Holder for his incesant holler of "It's Chriiiiisss-Maaaaaassssssssss!!!") shortly afterwards the street decorations go up and you're stalked and plagued by endless, snowmen, reindeer and Father Christmas's.

For me however, Christmas will always be on its way only when you see the advert on the telly with the Coca-Cola Christmas trucks. For me it's a day of catching up with family and sharing gifts. Not very Christian of me... but I've gone for 29 years like that and ain't about to start now. It's a really nice feeling to be surrounded by decorations in a house though. Weirdly the weather also makes it. My whole life Christmas has always been cold, and now living in a hot country, there's just something highly peculiar about seeing snowmen nd snowflakes dangling from the ceiling then walking outside into 90 degree heat and feeling as though you're melting... although I suppose that's what it's also like in Australia and New Zealand.

10 things I would do if I had a million dollars

Now who hasn't imagined this one? If you've played the lottery you've imagined what would happen if you won. Obviously it would be much more use to have a million pounds... but that's being a bit greedy and anyway I digress...

In no particular order...

10 sensible things...

1. Pay off my morgage
2. Share it with family
3. Donate a sum to charity
4. Invest
5. Go on a nice holiday
6. Buy a house for me and my girlfriend
7. Redecorate whenever it was required
8. Buy all new furniture
9. Set aside a substantial amount for old age
10. Treat my friends

And now for the fun stuff...

1. Pay to go into outer space
2. Buy a holiday home wherever I wanted
3. Buy a mansion
4. Get myself a tiger and wolf for pets
5. Set up my own in-house cinema screen
6. Quit my job
7. Build a theme park in my back yard
8. Buy my own private jet
9. Buy a sports car and tank
10. Never wear the same pair of socks twice again

Hmm that was fun kind of makes you think what the 10 things I'd do if I could do anything or have anything I wanted would be.

10 things that bring a smile to may face

Ok breaking from the ranting, complaining and down right negativity (albeit temporarily most likely) here's a list of pure joy and happiness... after 3, all together aaawwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!

1. Spending time with my most gorgeous and amazing girlfriend and getting to smell her hair (it pays to have the height advantage!)
2. Cute and cuddly animals (baby ones, obviously), but also ones that you rarely see, that might not be so cute or cuddly (sharks, for example)... an awesome extra bonus is if you get to hold them (tigers, pandas, koalas...)
3. Watching the stand-up of a truly great comedian - Lee Evans, Billy Connelly, Ricky Gervais, Jack Dee...
4. Family reunions, or catching up with old friends and sharing stories
5. A good book, whether it be gripping, exciting, funny, intense... whatever as long as it's a good read
6. Movies, same as above, but it's like an added bonus and a little more special if it involves some kind of costumed hero (as long as it's done well, i.e. NOT Fantastic Four, Batman & Robin, Superman IV, Captian America... ugh!!)
7. Anything involving Superman
8. A good TV show, gripping plot, great characters, humour...
9. Visiting somewhere I've always wanted to, especially good if you have someone with you... a particular special someone... female... same initials as a famous cartoon cat... name rhymes with shammy fan...
10. Good food... well the smile lasts whilst you're eating it then quickly fades when it's all gone... or you consider the healthiness of it (or lack of)... or you see the bill...
    

Wow I feel in such a good now... in fact this list could also be renamed 10 things I can't live without... excluding food, water, air and warmth obviously...

10 most scary thoughts

... and I'm not just talking about being subjected to the rantings of Scary Spice!

1. Death. It's coming. It's inevitable. Wow what a depressing thought.
2. Getting old. (see above)
3. Losing your sight or hearing - what's worse living in a world of eternal darkness or piercing silence?
4. Living life alone. How meaningless would that be? The whole point of life is to fall in love and share your life with someone.
5. Having nothing to eat for the rest of your life except brussel sprouts. Their gross end of story.
6. Being forced to sit through endless hours of Reality TV for the rest of your life. Hmm... Suddenly No.1 doesn't seem as scary.
7. Being stuck in a crowded lift with a bunch of fat, smelly, sweaty, flatulent people... in which case No.3's not sounding so bad... I'd even throw in my 3 remaining senses!
8. Waking up one morning to find you've turned suddenly obese... gym anyone?
9. James Blunt singing the National Anthem.
10. A world without chocolate.

Hmm... it's funny some of those you might argue belong more on a list of the 10 most disgusting things.

17 ways to identify crazy people

Now we've all seen them, people who should be tethered securely in a straitjacket and residing in a comfortable padded cell, but yet are walking the streets freely. Here's how to pick them out:

1. They derive pleasure from any kind of harm done by or unto themselves.
2. They obsess over someone to the point where it gets really scary
3. Selective hearing; You are without a doubt the most stuck-up, conceited, yet incompetent... Oh thank you, yes my hair is looking especially good today isn't it?
4. They listen to Slipknot or other such shouty rock bands
5. Overreacting when someone jokingly calls them crazy; DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME CRAZY!!! I'M COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY NORMAL! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?!?!
6. Thinking a body covered in tattoos looks hot.
7. Thinking a body covered in piercings looks hot.
8. That worrying wild-eyed demonic look in their eyes.
9. A combination of talking to themselves and slowly rocking back and forth.
10. Walking around in shorts and a T-shirt in the middle of winter.
11. Talking complete and utter jibberish.
12. They claim to like brussel sprouts.
13. Talking about completely ludicrous things; "Has anyone seen my camel?" "Nice weather for this time of year on Mars, isn't it?" and so forth.
14. They are addicted to Reality TV.
15. They have a weird fascination with insects and creepy-crawlies.
16. They ask for the dessert menu at a restaurant and choose a fruit salad - it's totally not the point!
17. They make organised lists but stop at a completely random number.

... Oh wait, scratch that last one. Actually that may also be one of the signs of getting old.

10 things that make me wanna slap someone

1. Arrogance and superiority complexes, especially when a person has got nothing to be arrogant about - are they drop-dead gorgeous? No. Are they a champion of or hold a record in something other than idiocy? No
2. Similarly boasting - do you really think anyone really cares that you've got the newest most expensive phone going? No.
3. Rudeness in any form. There's just no need.
4. Cruelty to animals.
5. Sleaziness. Enough said.
6. Screaming at the gym like someone's having an almighty orgasm. Use a lesser weight you prat!
7. Incompetence. If you clearly can't do what you're assigned/paid to do the for God's sake don't bother trying - let someone else who can do it do it!
8. Slow drivers - especially slow drivers who insist on driving in the middle lane. If you can't keep to the speed of the road then GET OFF THE ROAD BEFORE YOU CAUSE AN ACCIDENT YOU IDIOT!!!!!!
9. Attention seekers. Whether it be those that constantly seek the sympathy vote or are simply loud and obnoxious. Get a life!
10. Reality TV contestants, obviously those on Big Brother are the hands-down winners in annoyingness, but these are closely followed by X-Factor/American Idol contestants. Then of course there's Top Model contestants, dating show contestants... the list is virtually endless. And why could almost all the contestants also feature on a top 10 worst names ever list? Is it stipulation that they have got to have some ludicrous sounding name?

Ranting and Complaining: Body Odour

What is it with some people?

Ok now everyone sweats at some point, that can't be helped it's just the body's natural cooling system. Although some people do sweat an excessive amount, and are completely inconsiderate of those around them whilst doing so. I can't count the times I've been in a club, at a concert or in some other crowded venue where there's some creature from the sweat lagoon that's just crawled onto land and now insists on invading the personal space of as many people as possible, to the point where they're actually leaning up against you and you can feel the sweat leaving their body and seeping through your clothes... gross.

But is that worse than those people who just plain stink and insist on invading your personal space? Hmm... tough choice.

You know the ones I mean, the people that seem to have little or no concept of hygiene. They say you can't smell your own scent. Rubbish. The only way these people couldn't smell their own stink is if they go one better than old Van Gogh and cut off their nose. While they're at it they'd best rip out their tongues too as scent and taste glands work in unison and some people stink so bad it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

I don't understand it. I mean the last time I checked this was the 21st Century and in the last hundred years or so there have been certain inventions made that help combat body odour. Anti-perspirant? Deodorant? Collogne? Perfume? After-shave?... Soap?

It's one of those revolting things when someone gets on a train and stands beside you and their stench is so revolting that it could make flowers wilt, that is equal to farting in a crowded place - that stinks, they stink what's the difference? It's acceptable to ask people not to smoke around you, so why is it frowned upon to ask them to take a shower? When someone smells so bad that it makes you want to vomit, surely that's the time for them to address their problem.

More Stupid and Useless Inventions

The Incy-Wincy Spider Liberator

Patent Number: GB2272154 Dated: 1994

A ladder to be installed in the bath so that when spiders fall in they can climb their way to freedom.

A genuine invention. Not quite done their research though have they; spiders tend to crawl up the plughole, not fall over the edge. Still I suppose that is simply being overly fastidious.

Who in their right mind would buy this? Just how obsessed by animal rights and cruelty to animals in any form, do you have to be to consider spending good money on something so clearly pointless and pathetic? It's not like spiders have such a coherent thought pattern - "Oh damn it! That's the 4th time this week I've crawled up a plughole into a bath and then forgotten how I got in! Wait a minute... that looks like... Yes it is! Oh praise the Lord! Some kind-hearted soul has installed an Incy-Wincy Spider Liberator! My troubles are over!"

Come to think of it, who's life is just so utterly empty and boring that they considered the need for inventing such a thing. Can you imagine someone ambling round the house looking for something to do (maybe they were sat on the loo) when suddenly they notice a poor defenceless spider struggling to climb the sides of a bath. In a flash all their troubles are over - they have found their calling. Their life now has a purpose! And more importantly the spider now has a way out of the bath... it just has to wait a while, whilst said person designs, makes and trials his/her invention.

But of course, as is the case with the human condition, as with any idea, be it good or bad, the results are always the same; people jostle tirelessly to stick their oar in, to make their voices heard, to have their 15 minutes of fame... resulting in a severly cramped bandwagon. Hence some of the most pointless and stupid (and all 100% genuine) inventions ever:

• Horse diaper
• Anti-eating mouth cage
• Bird powered blimp
• Motorized picnic table
• Motorized ice-cream cone
• 12 gauge golf club
• Jet propulsion golf club
• Head napkin
• Geek gear
• Extreme comb-over
• Saggy bottoms
• Propellor leg
• Toilet snorkel

And my own personal favourite the Imaginary Friend.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Pigeon Post

Ok, I know the original idea of this post was pigeon post, but let's just expand that to anything revolving around pigeons. Firstly pigeon post. Why choose pigeons to deliver mail? There's much better options in terms of birds out there. If a pigeon was to land on your windowsill brandishing a letter, is it just me or would you be a little apprehensive at actually leaning over and having to touch the foul little blighter? They got the nickname "rats with wings" for a reason you know, (says a lot doesn't it considering as a kid in Trafalgar Square, [before they were mostly killed/scared off by trained hawks] I had pigeons perched on my hands, arms, shoulders and even head!) If your faith in the post office is that shaky why not just deliver the letter yourself? Or email the person? Or at least use a better bird! Take Harry Potter for instance - they use owls, of course that brings about another inherent risk when detaching the letter; sharp talons and beak - not very reassuring, but at least they're not as synonymous with disease. It makes you wonder whether for all those years Dick Dastardly and Muttley were actually trying to intercept the mail, or simply cull it when they were commanded to Catch that Pigeon!

Next up racing pigeons. God what an exciting lives those people must lead. NOT! Sadly it's synonymous with my neck of the woods and I even know of a guy who's into it as well. Where is the attraction in keeping smelly disease-riddled pigeons in your backyard (or worse - your loft!) where they proceed to crap everywhere and shed their feathers, leaving your yard or loft looking as though someone had positioned an aviary next to a sewage plant and then bombed the both of them? Why not just invest in a parrot and teach it to talk? At least that's entertaining!

Anyway who am I to comment? As the saying goes to 'each their own' afterall, there are yet still more pointless activities in this world, Snail Racing, for example.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Dirty Public Restrooms

What is it about public restrooms that make them such foul places? Obviously I can't speak for women but men's are gross all the time. And there seems to be this everlasating stench of urine. What makes me laugh is when they have an inspection card on show. What does that actually mean? What purpose does that have? Yes, it stinks in here but at least it's been checked and inspected so now the people who work here know that. Nothing is going to be done about it, but at least they know. I swear I was just at a shopping mall tonight and the stench from the toilet was so bad it had leached out to infect the entire area surrounding the toilets. Waiting for the lift to arrive was not a happy time.

What is it about public restrooms that make people lose all sense of common decency or rational thinking? Or are they simply seen as an opportunity to do things that you wouldn't normally?

• You know I always pee in the toilet, I wonder what it feels like to pee on the floor - well now's my chance! I may even pee up the walls for good measure too!
• Every time at home I always flush the toilet after taking a dump in it... well not this time! Oh yeah, good times!
• I never dare to write random messages and telephone numbers on the wall of my bathroom... but this isn't my bathroom, is it?
• What would be really funny is if I had an opportunity to litter a toilet floor with cigarette butts and oodles of toilet paper... well here I am with a ripe opportunity to do so!

Some places know that their loos are going to end up a mess so don't even bother even trying to make it look nice to begin with. I've been in loos in Thailand where it is simply a hole smashed into the concrete. Other western style ones (still in Thailand) where the flushing action is carried out manually by use of a barrel of water and a pan.

Another thing; handriers. How useless are they? Has anyone ever managed to actually dry their hands using them? How is cold air supposed to dry things? And more often than not they blow air out with the same force as a grasshopper's fart. You stand their hands soaking and getting colder because of the cold air flow, a queue forms and then out of common curtesy you move aside so someone else can have a go. So you walk out with hands as wet as they were when you first took them from under the tap.

Actually I find that most public things are quite rubbish. Just look at public telephones.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Disgusting sounding food names

You know you really do have to wonder at the reasoning behind names sometimes. Let's take foods as an example, some really need a better PR agent. Make no bones about it there are some foods that are gross, look gross and even their name doesn't do them any favours.

Can you imagine going into a restaurant, looking at the menu and thinking, "Hmm... well the lasagna looks good, as does the steak and the ribs... but there's just no beating a good plateful of tripe!" It almost sounds like you're ordering a plateful of shite!

The same can be said of haggis - "Ooh, yum! One sheep's stomach please, and if you could fill it with a whole load of foul tasting minced up garbage too that would be great!" And as for Spam... the mere sound of that sounds processed to within an inch of it's life, then going that last inch just for the fun of it. I mean is it ham? Which bit of the pig does the 'sp' bit come from? The spleen?

Another one - Sloppy Joe's. I don't even know what that is but am farely confident I never want to find out.

Of course the hands-down winner of the Worst Food Names Ever Award must surely go to gruel. I know this dish existed more in the 19th Century workhouses, but come on - surely they could have come up with a more tantalising name for a bowl of unrecognisable, grey slop with about the same nutritional value as wadded paper. Workhouse Surprise maybe? Worker's Delight? Or just something like 'loveliness'? Who wouldn't look forward to that at the end of endless hours in the factory - A bowl of lovliness?

I rest my case.

Of course there are certain foods that sound gross from the ingredients but the name disguises this fact. If you were to see fried pig's blood on a menu, would you order it? No. But you see Black Pudding then it's a different story, it almost sounds like you're having a dessert and so you're fooled into thinking, "Wow this tastes really nice!"

Thinking of holidaying on a remote island? Think again.

Sun, sea, sand, serenity... Yeah life on a remote island, sure sounds sweet, right?

Well yes it is... just as long as you manage to avoid the polar bears, the hostile gun-toting locals that have mysteriously always been there and of course the lethal black smoke monster. Another thing you might want to consider is the strange electro-magnetic power of the island, and take great care that it doesn't suck you into an ever changing time warp, before depositing you 30 years in the past.

Never fear, you can always leave the island whenever you want though right? Well, it's not as easy as it sounds as the electro magnetism can play havoc with your navigation instruments.

But don't worry, whilst you're on said remote island, you won't be short of places to visit and explore, be it the various monitoring stations scattered across numerous different parts of the island (and even one underwater installation!), a crashed drug smugglers biplane, a secret submarine moored at the secret docks, a hundreds of years old galleon marooned inland and the inside of a three-toed gigantic foot of a statue, the remains of which you can try to decide what happened to yourself.

There are numerous accomodation possibilites for your choosing throughout the island, be it camping on the beach or further inland at a set of caves, or for the more luxurious stay, at a long-abandoned village, with all the modern conveniences that one would expect.

As an additional bonus, if you become tired of exploring all that this island has to offer, there is even a second island that you can venture to examine the prisoner cages and surgery.

Yes life on a remote island is nothing if it isn't exciting. For further details please refer to the TV show Lost.

Or if that sounds too strenuous for you, you may prefer Desperate Housewives.

Idiots selling to bigger idiots and convincing even bigger idiots

You know the human race is supposed to be getting smarter, but sometimes I really do have my doubts.

Who was it that thought that selling fake online degrees was a good idea?

More importantly what kind of idiot thinks it's a good idea to buy them?

And even more importantly what kind of idiot is gullible enough to fall for them?
It's like a fast track way of sampling different careers in the most lazy-arse way possible. Imagine waking up in the morning and thinking to yourself, "You know what, I always fancied being a surgeon." One download later and apparently you are.

Are medical professionals really that stupid to fall for it? "I don't understand it - that's the twelth person this week that he's killed during surgery, and he's had all the easy surgeries: in-growing toenail, inflamed appendix... but so far he's amputated three heads, sliced open six lungs and carried out four lobotomies... it can't be his degree - The Univershitty of Never Never Land, yup that's all in order..."

Never fear next week why not try your hand at rocket science. Maybe NASA will hire you to direct the first mission to Mars, "Ok, left a bit, right a bit, ok perfect... right full speed ahead and - ooh that looked a bit nasty didn't it? Never mind, send up another shuttle I'm sure I'll direct them right next time."

Maybe a lawyer?

A teacher?

A politician?

An architect?

The world apparently is your oyster.

You have to wonder how many people have been fooled by these sham degrees so far. My guess would be approximately 265 million. George W. Bush - need I say more?

How else could someone with fewer brain cells than an apple core become leader of the most powerful country in the world? The guy can't even form a coherent sentence for crying out loud! Here are some of his real dynamite lines:

• They misunderestimated me
• Our enemies and innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking of new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
• I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully
• I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family
• There's an old saying in Texas - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again
• I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right
• Then you wake up at the high school and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling
• I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things
• I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me
• If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just as long as I'm the dictator

See? My case rests.

Right, I'm off to pilot a rocket to the Andromeda Star Constellation, whilst doing open heart surgery and delivering the prosecution for a murder trial.

Greenhouse Effect - Rubbish

"Our planet is five billion years old, and has been changing constantly all during that time. The Earth is now on its third atmosphere... Our atmosphere is as violent as the land beneath it. At any moment there are one thousand five hundred electrical storms across the planet. Eleven lightning bolts strike the earth each second. A tornado tears across the surface every six hours. And every four days a giant cyclonic storm, hundreds of miles in diameter, spins over the ocean and wreaks havoc on the land.

The nasty little apes that call themselves human beings can do nothing except run and hide. For these same apes to imagine they can stabilize this atmosphere is arrogant."

- Michael Crichton, State of Fear 2005

There is little evidence to suggest man is responsible for global warming, moreover it is more likely to be caused by solar activity such as eruptions on the sun's surface. After World War II despite a huge increase in the numbers of cars on roads and therefore an huge increase in carbon dioxide emissions, global temperatures decreased for four decades!

What annoys me is these narrow minded idiots that believe that the Earth should maintain a constant temperature. Clearly these are the same people that never paid attention in science class because they were too busy complaining that they didn't see why they had to study science in the first place - they were destined to be models, actresses or rock stars.

The earth is always changing, in the time of the dinosaurs, all continents were joined together. Dinosaurs were killed off when a meteor crashed and blocked out the sun. It used to be a lot hotter then too. Then came the ice age. What ended that? Too many cavemen making fires to keep warm? There was also a mini ice age again in the 1600s, did man cause that one too?

What I find highly amusing is that all these enviro-loonies are running round saying that humans need to save Mother Nature, when really it is her that decides our fate. If it wanted to Nature could obliterate us just as easily as it did the dinosaurs. Sure humans could have a good go by launching their nukes at one another and sure it might kill us all of and render the planet inhospitable - to us. But the environment was completely changed when the meteor crashed 65 million years ago and lo and behold life carried on. If that meteor hadn't crashed then it would be unlikely that conditions would ever have been right for mammals to thrive.

Sure we can make sure we keep the planet looking nice by not littering everywhere and recycling, just like you want to keep your home clean and tidy while you live in it. But the idea of people being able to literally destroy the planet is as ludicrous as a man tearing down the house he lives in with nothing more than his bare hands.

Seriously these enviro-nutcases must have been watching too many episodes of Captain Planet or something.

Stereotypes

They're a funny thing aren't they, sterotypes. Looking at someone or something and immediately jumping to a conclusion about them or it. What is it about us that makes us do it? Take the picture for example - where would you say this guy is from? France, right? Why? Do all people in France go around wearing berets, stripy shirts, neck scarves, bushy mustaches and drinking wine? Notice I didn't add smelling of onions. Answer: no.

Do all Germans wear lederhosens, a feather in their cap and tankard of beer in hand? Again, no.

The Irish - do they all have ginger hair, dress in green, sport shamrocks and drink guiness? Unlikely.

Are all Americans loud, obnoxious, burger-eating fatties? Well...
Another one if you see a caucasian female sporting armpit hair, where is she from? France right? If she is Asian where is she from? China. How do we know this? Or at least what makes us think we do?

Here's another, are all blondes dumb? Doubtful, otherwise that would lower the IQ of the whole of Sweden. Or would it? Is everyone in Sweden blonde? I wouldn't bet on it.

It's also curious as to how our perception of things change depending on where we see them. Superhero comics and movies are one of the most popular forms of media out there. We look at the likes of Batman, Superman and Spider-man and think, "Wow, cool! I wish that was me!" Really though, do you? If you actually saw someone running around in the batsuit, what would you think? "Well there's a guy with no girlfriend," most probably.

Animals aren't safe from sterotypes either, all you have to do is mention some animal types and your mind conjures up some type of personality for it.

Sharks - mindless killers

Dolphins - playful and friendly

Owls - brainy

Elephants - good listeners, brilliant memory

Cats - uppity

Hippos - fat and lazy

It's the same with objects too. Taking cars for instance, Ladas and Skodas, the jokes about them are endless.

Why does a Lada/Skoda have a heated rear windscreen? To keep the driver's hands warm whilst pushing it.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda driver with a speeding ticket? A dreamer.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda with a sun roof? A skip.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

How do you overtake a Lada/Skoda? Run.

How do you make a policeman laugh? Tell him your Lada/Skoda just got nicked.

And what about historical figures? What does the name Bonnie Prince Charlie suggest?

Eat a cow; Save the world

Flatulence is one of the grossest traits known to man. How many times have you been on a crowded train, or in a lift and some one drops an ass belch? Of course there are varying types of trouser tornadoes and a scale merging the two main extremes, i.e. the comical rip-roarer which embarrasses the deliverer no end, usually resulting in them vacating the premises at the earliest convenience. And then there is the dreaded Silent-but-Deadly, whereby the culprit can drop their chemical weapon and then pretend it was someone else, all-the-while everyone around them is slowly suffocating on the noxious fumes.

However flatulence is not exclusive to humans. If you have a pet then the likelhood is that at somepoint they've dropped one in your presence, and good God do they stink! Which brings me onto other animals, particularly one of the most common groups of animals on the planet thanks to farming: livestock. The bowel movements of livestock is so foul that not only is it hazardous to those stood downwind of them, but it is actually harmful to the planet itself.

It has been proven that the polution cause in building a Toyota Prius is actually more than the emissions any other car makes in its lifespan, yet the Greenies and Vegetarians of the world still keep telling people to buy them. Well in the case of livestock, the Vegetarians are actually causing yet more damage to the planet.

Livestock is responsible for 18% of the greenhouse gases that cause Global Warming, more than cars, planes and all other forms of transport combined. Not only that they are also releasing more than 100 other types of noxious gases, including two-thirds of the world's ammonia emissions which causes acid rain. Add to this that cows soak up a staggering 990 litres of water to produce just one measly litre of milk.

So the next time one of these preaching veggies strolls over to you in their recycled clothes and hemp shoes, condemning you for eating meat you reply, "I eat because I care."

Hmm... didn't Plato or somebody say something similar?