Weetabix - concrete of the cereal world?

The healthy way to start the day, right?

Who doesn't like cereal - it's quick and easy and tastes good at any point in the day, weirdly even better at night...

The one thing that puzzles me though is why is it so damn hard to clean out of a bowl?

In the morning you get up, shower, eat breakfast and rush out to work. The last thing you want to do is set to and clean your dishes so you leave them in the sink to wash later when you get in. And that's where the problems begin. If you think ahead you fill the bowl with waterto ease cleaning later on. If not you could be in for the fight of your life.

What happens to cereal during those hours alone that turns it from a delicious and healthy morning meal into concrete? Seriously. Sod quarry mining to produce cement dust, all builders need to do is grab a couple of boxes of cereal and a few pints of milk.

And which are the prime offenders in the concrete on the bowl market?

Well obviously Weetabix rates fairly highly up there. That stuff actually begins to turn whilst your eating it.

Porridge is another. It's sticky to begin with and it too begins to turn whilst you eat it.

Some of the more unlikely candidates though lull you into a false sense of security. Corn flakes, bran flakes and other flakey based cereals, go all soft and gooey whilst your eating it so that you dump it in the sink without a second thought. Big mistake. Hours later the flakes have welded themselves to the bowl and aren't about to give up their position without a lengthy fight. The scourer fails so you think, "I'll scratch it off with my fingernail!" And that's just what it wants you to do. Because of their thin flake shape it's like jamming a wooden splinter under your nail.

Of course there are much more offensive foods out there - brussel sprouts for example.

Coulrophobia

Coulrophobia: the fear of clowns

There's nothing funny about them. I remember going to the circus as a kid and it was all good until the clowns came on stage. Then the audience would be subjected to several minutes of dull boredom, with a bunch of badly dressed men in make-up trying to be funny and failing miserably. Actually the bit where they brought the horses out and paraded them round was pretty dull too, but that's besides the point.

Ok so clowns might seem like a bit of a weird thing to have a phobia of, but really what's the real difference between them and masked gunmen? They both hide their faces, right? Clearly this fear has been cultivated by the likes of Stephen King with his It and Bob Kane with the infamous Joker. But they must have seen the freaky, scary potential of them to begin with right? I rest my case.

But the weird phobias don't end there, below is a list of some of the more ridiculous ones:

Ablutophobia - fear of washing or bathing... so a smelly person's phobia then.

Allodoxaphobia - fear of opinions... otherwise known as an inability to listen to anyone else

Anglophobia/Bolshephobia/Dutchphobia/Francophobia/Germanophobia/ Japanophobia/Russophobia/Sinophobia/Xenoglossophobia/Xenophobia - fear of England, English culture/Bolsheviks/Dutch/France, French culture/Germany, German culture/ Japan, Japanese culture/Russians/Chinese, Chinese culture/foreign languages/foreigners... basically excuses for racists

Arachibutyrophobia - fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth... well it IS utterly terrifying that is

Caligynephobia - fear of beautiful women... suffered by dorks, geeks and nerds the world over

Chromophobia/Ereuthophobia/Leukophobia/Porphyrophobia/Xanthophobia - fear of colours/red/white/purple/yellow... suffered by druggies everywhere whilst high

Gamophobia/Pentheraphobia - fear of marriage/mother-in-law... suffered by men the world over

Hedonophobia - fear of feeling pleasure... the fear suffered by Goths everywhere

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - the fear of long words... and like abbrieviation; ironic

Dextrophobia/Levophobia - fear of things on the right/left side of the body... so sit on your own then!

Barophobia - fear of gravity... screwed

Basophobia - fear of walking... not a fear; bone-bloody-idleness!

Lachanophobia - fear of vegetables... suffered by kids the world over

Mastigophobia/Ouranophobia - fear of punishment/heaven... simple solution then; don't commit crimes!

And after all that extensive research, one fear I didn't find was the fear of knights.

What's the Point?

There's certain things in this world that have been created that there is literally no point to. Let's start with Kaliber beer and other non alcoholic beers. Why? What is the point? Who drinks beer simply for the taste of it? Answer: nobody. People drink beer BECAUSE it has alcohol in it. How often do you hear people say, "Man, what a tough week, I need a drink - pass me a glass of milk"? NEVER!! The same principle aplies to Kaliber, "Man, what a tough week, I need a drink - pass me a beer - but make sure it's non-alcoholic!"

Next we have vegetarian sausages and burgers. Why? The whole point of sausages and burgers is that they are made of delicious overly processed meat. Here's an idea: if you don't like/can't eat meat for some reason, don't go into Macdonald's with the desire to order anything other than fries! If a vegetarian has a desire to eat sausages and burgers then they're just kidding themselves - they don't really want to be vegetarians! The same applies to vegetarian-friendly beef flavoured crisps - a genuine product!

Next up - pizzas (you can see a lot of these rants are food and drink based). What are the two main ingredients on any pizza? Answer: cheese and tomato. They're like Italian staple ingredients - how many Italian dishes don't contain at least one or both of these? If you're lactose intolerant or allergic to tomato, why on earth would you look at pizza and think, "Ooh yum, that looks great!"?

I have a similar issue with de-caffeinated coffee. Who actually enjoys the tatse of coffee? No one. If they say they do, they're lying. It's gross. People have that first cup of coffee in the morning, and subsequent ones throughout the day as a pick-me-up, to get that extra caffeine boost.

Seriously, what's next?

Ice cream that isn't cold?

Fruit cake without fruit?

A car without an engine? Or wheels?

A plane that doesn't fly?

A zoo without animals?

A clock that doesn't tell time?

A TV with no picture? Ok that is pretty much a radio.

A mosquito that doesn't bite? Actually that one would be good.

There are certain things though, that whilst seemingly a little ludricous actually make a lot of sense, i.e. bungy jumping, parachuting, etc. The concept of flinging oneself from a great height may seem tantamount to insanity but is actually exhilarating.

The same can also be said of cage diving with Great White sharks.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Lollipopmen

Ever noticed how there's few (if any) young lollipopmen or women? Well ok, yes it's probably just like a part-time kind of thing for retirees to do, but it's a fairly crappy job all the same. Especially as kids get more and more vile and rude. It's definitely not a job that one aspires to, or if it is then one really needs to reassess one's life.

Now I'm not saying it's a pointless job in its entirety, afterall kids need to cross the road to get home. What I do think is a little pointless though is positioning a lollipop person at a pedestrian crossing. If the driver isn't going to stop at a zebra crossing as people cross or at a red light, do you really think someone dressed like a flourescent banana is going to stop them?

It does bring about an interesting question though; crappy thankless jobs and the people jobs and the people who fil the positions. Dustbinmen and street cleaners come immediately to mind, but it doesn't end there. There are some jobs that require intelligence and qualifications but are still baffling as to why anybody would want to take it up: undertakers, chiropodists, dentists, mortician, tax inspectors (traditionally one of the most unpopular jobs ever!), and pest control to name but a few. Personally I can see no attractive or rewarding attributes to these careers at all.

Of course of all the crappy jobs out there, of all of the most loathed of workers, of all of the most thankless of tasks... traffic wardens must rate as an undisputed number 1.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Golf

Ok before I start with this rant, a disclaimer, to all golf fans out there - GET A LIFE!... or at least play a REAL sport, not some daft game pretending to be one. What's next chess?!!?

Fotunately it's not just me that thinks golf is about as exciting as watching the grass grow, which you can do as play if that's what floats your boat. It was that famous American Mark Twain (famous for what I'm not quite sure, didn't he write about Huckleberry Finn or something?) that described golf as, and I quote, "a good walk spoiled". Spot on.

Now it's just not that golf is less exciting than watching paint dry, or your skin age, it's also that some of the terminology it uses is utterly ridiculous too. Let me give you some examples:

Albatross - three strokes under par for a given hole.

What does that have to do with the bird with the largest wingspan?

Birdie - One under par for a hole.

Again, why a bird reference?

Bogey - One over par for a hole.

Well, need I say anymore about this one?

Eagle - two under par for a hole.

Apparently a double Eagle is also an Albatross. Funny, and I always thought double 2 was 4.

Oh don't get me wrong the idiotic names don't end there, it's just I'm getting bored. Here's a few more choice terms (all genuine):

Banana Ball

Chili Dip

Dogleg

Duck Hook

Frog Hair

Gorilla

Greenie

Shag Bag

Shagging

Woodie

Worm Burner

So basically not only is golf exponentially boring, but it was also invented by perverts and/or idiots. And played by them... cough cough TIGER WOODS... cough cough.

God, even ranting about golf is beginning to bore me now. So let me leave it at this anyone who enjoys watching or playing golf clearly hasn't explored all of their entertainment options... or needs to book themself in for a CAT scan. There's so many more interesting things in this world - the Gummy Bears for instance.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Pot-Bellied Pigs and other silly animal names

Has anyone ever wondered about the names of some animals and how they're just a little bit daft?

No I don't mean all animal names - some make sense, the white tiger for instance, it's a tiger and it's white, the African elephant, it's an elephant and it's from Africa, and so on and so forth. But some names are just dumb. The spider monkey? Yes it's a monkey, but how on earth does it resemble a spider? Does it have 8 legs? No. Does it shoot webbing out it's butt? No. Do the females eat the males? Well, probably not either. See my point?

Some names just don't make sense.

Others are just a little bit pointless.

The duck-billed platypus. Yes ok it's a platypus and yes it has a bill like a duck, but who has ever seen a platypus without the bill of a duck? They don't exist, so why not just call it a platypus and be done with it?

Which brings me onto the pot-bellied pig. Why pot-bellied? In what way does it's belly resemble a pot? To me it looks like the belly of all other pigs. The only difference I see is that it's a damn sight uglier than other pigs, so why not just call it the ugly pig?
Another example: below are two sharks, one is a leopard shark, the other a zebra shark. Which is which?

The one on the right is the leopard shark right? Wrong. That would make much too much sense. What loony looked at this spotty, predatory fish and thought "You know, that reminds me exactly of a herbivourous, stripy, horse-like zebra"?

Of course in terms of sheer ridiculousness of names, Australian animals win hands down; kangaroo, kookaburra, wallaby, cassowary, dingo... but let's not get into that here.

My point is naming animals after something that they clearly look nothing like. Here's a few more examples (all genuine):

Antelope squirrel

Ant cow

Bullfrog

Catfish / Dogfish / Parrotfish / Rabbitfish / Squirrelfish

Horsefly

Hedgehog

Meercat

Mongoose

...and the list continues - see daft right?

Of course this idea of giving ridiculous names to things isn't just limited to animals, it's prevalent in loads of other different things, sports for example. Just look at cricket!

An epiphany

'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'

Never has anything rang so true.

As much as you think you love and appreciate someone, being away from them truly makes you realise just how important they are to you, just how much you need them, just how much you just want to be with them. Being apart from them feels like you're missing an arm, or rather a leg... and it sucks.

Lesson learned.

Never again.

Travel Observations

As with all other walks of life, you meet many different types of people whilst travelling, some annoying as hell, others the salt of the earth. Of course too much salt is bad for your health.

The Travel Snob

The one's that are travelling for months at a time and look down their nose with an air of superiority at anyone who isn't doing the same. Two weeks? "Oh well I'm travelling for a year." Oh well I prefer actually being able to afford to do things I like on holiday other than hanging out at some shitty hostel, doing the most menial jobs imaginable to make ends meet.

The Escapees

There's something they're escaping from and generally a few drinks and it all comes spilling out. And generally you are subjected to hearing it whether you want to or not.

The Loudmouth Scumbag

This is Asia you moron. If all you want to do is get pissed, laid and hungover try Benidorm. It's closer to home.

The Know-it-all

Similar to the travl snob but somehow these guys know the ins and outs of absolutely every topic of conversation ever, as well the world's problems and solutions, details of every country on earth... the list continues. Most of the time however, its clear they simply make it up.

The Drop-out

They were a drop-out in their own country milking the economy dry, and now they're a drop-out in someone else's country doing exactly the same thing.

The Weirdo

Generally found on their own isolated from everyone else. The reason usually being that they have absolutely no personality whatsoever.

The Nationalist

Really, if your own country is as good as you are constantly making it out to be, why did you ever leave it?

The Oldies

Why on earth is there always a random old person in hostels. It's just creepy. Don't they have anyplace better to be? And why do old couples come to hostels? Maybe they've got to the point in their relationship where they just have nothing else left to say to each other. Sad really.

The Nice Ones

Sometimes a rare find but they do exist. People who have no hidden agendas. They're just there on holiday. They just want to explore a new country and then return to living a normal life. They don't fight to stretch it out as long as possible. They don't fear the idea of settling down. They don't resent people who are travelling longer than they are and pity the ones who aren't travelling for as long. What they are is just nice genuine people. They are out there. Honest.

Stupid and useless inventions

Ever think of what could be the stupidest invention ever? Probably not. Just random thoughts really. What could be the most pointless and stupid thing to ever invent though? A braille driver's manual? An ipod for the deaf? Running shoes for the disabled?

This silly kind of pointlessness isn't actually limited to us simple humans though. There's a good deal of pointlessness in the animal kingdom too. Pandas for instance. Here's an animal that has evolved to fail miserably. An animal that kind that is incapable of helping itself even though its survival depends on it. Its so damn lazy that it has evolved to rely on humans saving them through artificial insemination, just because it's cute. And why is it so damn lazy? Because of its diet. The only thing they eat is bamboo which has about as much energy and nutrition as a stack of printing paper. Don't get me wrong, I love pandas, but really... how on earth has this animal lasted this long?

It's a curious thing isn't it evolution. How animals evolve the traits and abilities they do... just consider the duck-billed platypus...

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Shoehorns

The incompetence and overall laziness and stupidity of people never fails to amaze me.

People have been wearing shoes ever since cavemen got fed up of stepping on thorns and the like and decided to do something about it. In other words this is something people have been doing for thousands of years. Skip forward to more modern times and suddenly this incredibly complex skill of putting on your shoes suddenly becomes so complex that some people need help in doing it.

So someone invents the shoehorn.

Here's a better idea; untie the laces. Who are these people that believe the oinly way to put shoes on is with a shoehorn? What using your hands is beneath you? My guess is that these are the same people that choose to ride about in one of those motorised walkers, not because of the fact that they can't use their legs, instead because of the fact that they're too bone-bloody-idle to do so. Why not just connect yourself to an iron-lung and be done with it?

In my book the shoehorn is about as useful as the rabbit phone.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Slugs - What's the point?

Slugs. Is there really any point to them whatsoever? That might sound a little harsh but basically they're nothing but a pest that leave that slimy gloppy shit everywhere.

The damned things don't even own their own homes! At least snails can say that they do. So slugs are forced to mooch off of others.

Case-in-point: years ago after I finished university I went back to live with my parents for a while. They had just moved house and had big remodelling plans. Unfortunately before the plans were carried out we had to live in the house in the state it was. I had one of the biggest rooms which wasn't so bad, but unfortunately it was an added-on extension and not a very good one; it was cold and damp, which meant it was perfect for the slimy little buggers that are the focus of this here rant. It's indescribably gross to walk into your room or to wake up in the morning and find slug trails glistening on the carpet. To make matters worse I couldn't figure out how the rotten little blighters were getting in, which probably meant they were already in and just came out to hold the slug Grand Prix at night.

Some other invertebrates are friends of gardeners right? Because they eat some of the other gross bugs? Not slugs, they're vegetarians aren't they?

Back at uni a couple of years later for a different course I was once again living in a cold, dank, damp house (yeah, I know what you're thinking - choose your accomodation more wisely, well as a matter of fact the place looked pretty nice in summer... and well I'd left it so late I wasn't really left with much other choice... but I digress). Once again I was forced to live with a bunch of slimy unwelcome housemates (and I'm not just talking about some of the human residents that lived there for a time). Getting up before the sun at stupid o'clock in the morning is bad enough, it's worse when the heatings crap and you have to make a mad dash to the shower to throw some warmth on yourself, the worseness multiples further when, on said mad dash, you have to dance and pirouette through a maze of slug trails to get to the shower. The fun didn't end there. There were times when washing the dishes at the sink a slug would ooze out of the overflow pipe! And yes, I did say times - plural! And every bloody time it was one of those huge ones. You know the type - the ones that look like living globs of turd.

Is there anyone whatsoever that actually has a fondness or affinity for slugs? If so then said person needs to have his head examined. I don't care what type of slug it is; the tiny but fat grey ones you find under rocks, the long thin anorexic-looking ones or the huge obese turd-like ones, they're all gross. And it begs the question; what's the point?

The same might be asked of the Reliant Robin Three-Wheel Car.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Baked Beans

What is a baked bean? Can anyone actually name the plant they come from?

Of course because of the 'bean' part of the name I'm assuming they are grown and not manufactured in some factory or science lab somewhere . Although I don't even know this for sure. As you may of guessed I have done no research whatsoever for this rant.

It is recommended that you eat 5 portions of fruit and vegetables per day. Did you know that baked beans can be considered as one portion? (provided you eat enough of course, I don't think one single, solitary bean will somehow do it)

Another thing; beans are vegetables right? So why does the song go 'beans, beans the musical FRUIT'? Ok, I understand how tomatoes could be considered a fruit... well I don't actually. I don't know what it is that defines a fruit and a vegetable (as I said - no research). But beans are definitely vegetables aren't they?

Oh how confused and disillusioned I have become. My whole world has been turned upside down. How ever will I sleep tonight?

Probably by thinking back over this rather random and pointless rant.