Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Slugs - What's the point?

Slugs. Is there really any point to them whatsoever? That might sound a little harsh but basically they're nothing but a pest that leave that slimy gloppy shit everywhere.

The damned things don't even own their own homes! At least snails can say that they do. So slugs are forced to mooch off of others.

Case-in-point: years ago after I finished university I went back to live with my parents for a while. They had just moved house and had big remodelling plans. Unfortunately before the plans were carried out we had to live in the house in the state it was. I had one of the biggest rooms which wasn't so bad, but unfortunately it was an added-on extension and not a very good one; it was cold and damp, which meant it was perfect for the slimy little buggers that are the focus of this here rant. It's indescribably gross to walk into your room or to wake up in the morning and find slug trails glistening on the carpet. To make matters worse I couldn't figure out how the rotten little blighters were getting in, which probably meant they were already in and just came out to hold the slug Grand Prix at night.

Some other invertebrates are friends of gardeners right? Because they eat some of the other gross bugs? Not slugs, they're vegetarians aren't they?

Back at uni a couple of years later for a different course I was once again living in a cold, dank, damp house (yeah, I know what you're thinking - choose your accomodation more wisely, well as a matter of fact the place looked pretty nice in summer... and well I'd left it so late I wasn't really left with much other choice... but I digress). Once again I was forced to live with a bunch of slimy unwelcome housemates (and I'm not just talking about some of the human residents that lived there for a time). Getting up before the sun at stupid o'clock in the morning is bad enough, it's worse when the heatings crap and you have to make a mad dash to the shower to throw some warmth on yourself, the worseness multiples further when, on said mad dash, you have to dance and pirouette through a maze of slug trails to get to the shower. The fun didn't end there. There were times when washing the dishes at the sink a slug would ooze out of the overflow pipe! And yes, I did say times - plural! And every bloody time it was one of those huge ones. You know the type - the ones that look like living globs of turd.

Is there anyone whatsoever that actually has a fondness or affinity for slugs? If so then said person needs to have his head examined. I don't care what type of slug it is; the tiny but fat grey ones you find under rocks, the long thin anorexic-looking ones or the huge obese turd-like ones, they're all gross. And it begs the question; what's the point?

The same might be asked of the Reliant Robin Three-Wheel Car.

Random and slightly pointless thoughts: Baked Beans

What is a baked bean? Can anyone actually name the plant they come from?

Of course because of the 'bean' part of the name I'm assuming they are grown and not manufactured in some factory or science lab somewhere . Although I don't even know this for sure. As you may of guessed I have done no research whatsoever for this rant.

It is recommended that you eat 5 portions of fruit and vegetables per day. Did you know that baked beans can be considered as one portion? (provided you eat enough of course, I don't think one single, solitary bean will somehow do it)

Another thing; beans are vegetables right? So why does the song go 'beans, beans the musical FRUIT'? Ok, I understand how tomatoes could be considered a fruit... well I don't actually. I don't know what it is that defines a fruit and a vegetable (as I said - no research). But beans are definitely vegetables aren't they?

Oh how confused and disillusioned I have become. My whole world has been turned upside down. How ever will I sleep tonight?

Probably by thinking back over this rather random and pointless rant.

Where the Hell is Matt? - jealous? just a tad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY

Outtakes - still jealous

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tT8jA_pps3o

Faster, stronger, better, softer, longer - not the toilet paper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLYD_-A_X5E

Dafter hands

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2cYWfq--Nw

and who could ever forget... the dramatic chipmonk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw

Time Warp

It's a curious thing time...

How is it that four months can seem like such a massively long time? It's not that the time has dragged by monotonously - far from it! Has time been stretched? Have we been encased in a kind of time warp bubble, whereby we have had years pass but for everyone on the outside it has only been months - and I don't mean that signs of aging are showing either! It's strange that usually when you're having such a good time, days, weeks even months pass by quickly.

This isn't by any means a complaint, a rant or moan! Even though time together rushes by, I love the fact that in such a short space of time we know each other so well.

Maybe Einstein was onto something with that whole Relativity malarchy afterall...

More annoying things about the gym

Ok here's a few more add-ons that I've noticed/forgot to mention in the last post...

The Screamers
You know the type, and not exclusively limited to the meatheads by the way, the guys that are lifting weights that are clearly too heavy for them and are letting out a scream that is somewhere between orgasm and agony.

The Mobile Phone Users
Put down or piss off. Choose one. I've got better things to do than wait for you to finish sending an email/text or making a call. If your life is really that hectic that you can't even leave your phone in your locker, how the hell do you even make time for the gym? And why are you always sat on the machine I want to use?!

The Thieving Buggers
I just got up to get a drink! Does my towel draped over the machine mean nothing to you? What you think I left it there because I'm that stupid? It means I'm still using that machine dumb-arse!

Fitness Class Leaders
God some of these people are so irritatingly perky and happy all of the time. And so damned full of themselves. Who seriously repeats their own name three times over the PA system just to advertise there class? Oh yeah, I wasn't sold on the class itself, but now I realise who's running it... sign me up!

Pissing in the showers
This one speaks for itself.

Locker Buddies
Why is it whenever you're using your locker, everyone and his uncle that has got a locker near to you, decides that that is the precise moment they want to get into their lockers as well?

Annoying things about the gym

Ok so I've been training at the gym since I was 16 and in that time I've noticed some certain things that are common whatever gym you're in. And quite frankly these are things that we'd all be better off without. Anyone who's ever been to a gym knows it's true and more than likely agrees.

The Meatheads

We all know them we can't escape them; the guys that look like they feed themselves anabolic steroids three meals a day and proceed to walk around the gym acting superior to anyone who doesn't measure up in sheer girth. Some of them them are so ridiculously massive that it is almost as though they've become morbidly obese with muscle mass.

The Wannabe-Meatheads

Like the above in attitude of superiority but have actually got nothing to boast about. Usually found in large numbers talking loudly boasting about the events of the previous evening. They tend also to be the size of an anorexic twig making out that the abysmally feeble weights they're lifting are actually the equivalent of large cars.

The Over-Eager Personal Trainers

No I don't want a personal trainer. No I don't care how reasonable your rates are. No I don't care if there is a free fitness assessment. Yes I'm quite sure I know what I'm doing - I've been doing it for long enough. SOD OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

The Talkers

Look I just want to go in and train. I don't go in there for a conversation so please don't talk to me.

The Machine-Hoggers

Similar to meatheads but will get on a machine and take root. How many different types of bench press are there, and do you really need to do them all?

The Time Wasters

Look if your telephone conversation is really that important, should you really be in the gym taking it? And do you have to sit on the machine that people are queuing up to use whilst you take the call?

The Ill-Equipped

Surely you don't think jeans, work shoes and shirt are an effective training attire? A coat as well? Oh well that's just lovely.

The Sweat Machines

Two variations to this one; first up the ones with such a horrendous stench that it's like they're mounting a personal war of attrition against deodorant - and why is it they always insist in choosing the machine next to you? Secondly the ones that sweat buckets and refuse to wipe up after themselves. Gross.

And finally...

The f'ing, deafeningly loud, terrible, techno, rave music. If I wanted to listen to f'ing, deafeningly loud, terrible, techno, rave music I'd go to a f'ing, deafeningly loud, terrible, techno rave! Why the hell do you also need to play it so god damned loud that it drowns out everyone else's mp3 players? We take them so that we can listen so what we want, not the f'ing, deafeningly loud, terrible, techno, rave music! So don't turn that shit up!

Best and worst week ever

Well what a week... after spending the week being sure that professionally my life was about as stable as the Hindenburg (I'm still not convinced), thankfully there have been much more important developments.

Personally and, moreover, romantically things are a whole other story. It almost feels like I'm living a dream where everything you've ever wanted comes true. I can't put these feelings into the words they deserve... as cliched as it may sound, it's like I'm flying without ever leaving the ground, my heart leaps at a mere thought... and melts upon sight. I don't think it's possible that two people were ever so closely and perfectly matched (without that sounding the least bit stalkerish).

Is there such a thing as fate? As soulmates? I've been convinced.

I can't believe how lucky I am.

There's always other jobs...

I just don't get it!

Ok, so recently I've just returned from a holiday in Thailand. This was my third time there and once again I feel I'm left in a state of complete befuddlement. Actually in the three times I've been to Orchard Towers and Zouk, here in Singapore, I've been left similarly confused.

The root of my confusion? The ladyboys.

It's not that I have a problem with it, I'm straight and that's fine; if you want to be gay that's fine too, I'm just confused by the phenomenom. Let me be a little clearer - just who are they supposed to appeal to? Yes there is "The Ladyboys Of Bangkok" a highly successful and popular show that tours throughout the world (well maybe not so much the more conservative countries), but your average 'working at a bar, walking down the street' ladyboy...?

My understanding (and I could be wrong here) is that straight men want REAL women and gay men want men. So where do the ladyboys fit in? Especially those that have gone most of the way apart from the all important snip. Obviously there are those braindead-dumbass travellers from the West that arrive in Asia and just want to get with an Asian girl, and are initially fooled by the appearance, but then recieve a rather nasty and unexpected shock when their hands venture into the south (I saw once such incident in Zouk - funny as hell, by the way, to watch!).

Of course there are always bi-sexuals that like men and women, to them a ladyboy would be like hitting two birds with one stone... of course then that just begs the question - isn't that just a tad lazy?

Anyways I can't see that query being solved anytime soon...

One more thing though; why is it that Thailand seems to have not only the largest number of ladyboys, but also the largest ratio of ladyboys to non-... well... surgically and/or hormonally enhanced people, than anywhere else in the world?

Curiouser and curiouser...

A bit of fun *nudge nudge wink wink*

They must have known what they were saying when they printed these... surely comic book writers are not THAT naive...

The Story of my Life

Not really any explanation required for this one. No matter the situation, I have a most exceptional ability to end up scratching the back of my throat with my toes.